The Sins of the Fathers (and Mothers)

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on psychology in the last few months and one thing that keeps cropping up is that childhood experiences are the basis of our lives. We often say that children are so resilient and they are, but what we don’t realise is that these childhood issues raise their ugly heads and fuck us up when we become adults.

I have been trying to understand why it is that my relationships with men fail and although I know that some of the men I’ve chosen over the years have certainly been less than decent, I also know I have a responsibility for my choices and choosing to accept and put up with what I’ve chosen.

I didn’t realise the connection until I received an email from my dad this morning, and I didn’t see the similarities between the men I’ve been with until now either.

It was like a lightbulb had suddenly been turned on and ironically enough it was the man who had originally hurt me who was able to shine some light on the situation.

It’s a multifaceted issue so let’s start with a few things my dad said and then I’ll relate them back to me.

Firstly he told me to understand myself and to never accept less than I want, need or deserve. I’ve been told this by a few people lately and I know it’s true but I guess the reason I keep some men around for longer than I should is also a multifaceted one. I’ll come back to this.

My dad said he doesn’t know how to love or feel it. Neither do any of the men I’ve been with. They feel something but they have no idea how to express it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. I’ve had men use jokes, deflection or simply get up and walk away. Many of them have told me their father or parents in general did the same or they just weren’t around so they have no idea how to love because they weren’t taught properly.

Is it coincidence that I keep being attracted to these men?

No.

On a basic level I believe it’s because I’m so used to this it’s comfortable and normal. But being comfortable in this case could also mean preventing growth that is so desperately needed.

I have also believed in the past that I could somehow make these men love and be loved.

Wrong and the reason is evident in my dad’s next line and I quote:

“Your mother said to me I would grow old alone, and she is right because it is not about how many people who are around you but the WHO that is not.

I am not sure if there has ever been a WHO for me and that is why I am who I am.”

I still can’t believe what is so blatantly obvious to me in that wording is something my dad hasn’t yet recognised.

The person he and the men I’ve chosen believe is missing cannot be found anywhere but within themselves. Yes, the WHO is themselves!

So yes, the reason I cannot ever help these men is because these men don’t realise that they need to love themselves in order to be loved.

And I guess that’s also exactly what I’m mirroring but in a different way when I try so desperately to love them.

I said the same thing my mum did to someone last year. The similarities between him and my dad are uncanny. They have a lot of similar traits and even a similar upbringing.

I also have a love-hate relationship with this man.

I guess the last thing I want to say is that subconsciously and now consciously, I stayed with this man because I wanted his approval and because in some fucked-up way, he was the second chance to make it work after my dad.

That is not good enough and definitely not a healthy basis for a relationship.

I’m not saying it would never work, but to be honest, I think I have come to see and accept why this person came into my life:

He made me see the motives for why I love and the changes I need to make for a successful relationship.

Funnily enough I can now also see the men I never choose, i.e. some of my best friends, are the best men to love and who love me in return and tell me all the time.

Without that email from my dad I would never have learned the lessons I can see now.

Thanks Dad.

xxxooo

If he doesn’t try…

He's just not that into you.

It's funny what others can see in us that sometimes we can't or that we may simply be unaware of. Or…

That we may be unwilling to acknowledge and fix.

The other night a friend was flicking through some photos on my old computer and came across one I described as post breakup.

Her first words, "God, you were so skinny!" were quickly followed by, "Your eyes show you are deeply unhappy."

I peered more closely at the screen. She was right. Why hasn't I seen that before? It was blatantly obvious.

It's no wonder then, that friends have been saying for nearly a year how happy and stress-free I am.

It's true. I thought what I wanted again was going to make me happy when I'm actually already there.

As the same friend lamented her lack of boyfriend and whether she should sleep with this guy or that guy I suddenly said, "None of them because they're all just not that into you."

We'd also just been talking about the movie of the same name and they're also the same words that another friend's husband said to me last year, much to her horror.

He went on to explain that it had nothing to do with me but because the person in question just loved himself more. He meant the love was coming from a place of deep selfishness, not one of self-worth and respect.

My mum said the same thing to me this morning. She said that until now I obviously still hadn't thought I was good enough for better and was just going to settle. I didn't think I was like that.

I think what cemented it in my mind were the words I told my friend last night:

"I won't have to try and make the right guy like me or apologize for being myself. He will love that and just accept me like my family and friends do. It will be easy and he won't make me cry or question everything anymore."

I guess by saying them aloud to someone else for their benefit rather than my own I suddenly realized I believed in them and myself now.

I don't need to look for anything and neither does she. It will find us.

This is the stuff… 

That dramas and books are made of. Yes, the real-life stuff that people use as fodder or material for their creative outlets. People keep asking me when I’m going to start writing that book or best-selling drama. It’s coming, believe me.  

Before I say anything more, I know I am opening myself up to all sorts of criticism here: that I’m a bitch for sharing a private conversation for example. I’d like to point out that by posting this I’m showing just how much of an idiot I am as well for wasting my time on someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about me. 

No, the reason I’m posting this is to provide an example to all those people out there who have had dealings with a narcissist. Yes, the people who will never ever be able to have a relationship with anyone else. The type of person who confuses you and leaves you waiting, hopeful that maybe, given time something will change. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!

I won’t say anything more, you can read the transcript and decide for yourself. I am fairly sure that even if you think I’m a bitch, you will be left saying, ah yes, but he is still leading her on, giving her hope or, what the fuck is he saying and what does he want?! 

Without further ado, I present the last conversation. 

[LINE] Chat history with Felix

Saved on: 2017/08/12 13:25

2017/08/12(土)

07:29 Felix Once we cared for each other. You made me doubt and dream of a different future because I really enjoyed you in my life and wanted more of “us”. You were not alone with me…but now you are because I’ve stopped dreaming about a possible “us”.

07:29 Jack Crispy Huh?

07:29 Felix I do miss you…but it’s the past that I miss

07:29 Jack Crispy What do you mean I wasn’t alone with you?

07:30 Felix I’m kind of answering your email here

07:31 Jack Crispy I wanted more of us but I didn’t think you did

07:31 Jack Crispy Okay so that’s my answer…

07:32 Felix I don’t want to be cold and it’s dangerous to be warm with you

07:32 Jack Crispy I never cheated on you. I don’t know what you mean by you weren’t alone with me. You mean you had others?

07:32 Felix No

07:33 Felix Not that

07:33 Felix It’s actually quite romantic

07:33 Jack Crispy I’m so confused right now

07:33 Felix It means that I was your partner and felt what you felt

07:34 Jack Crispy I thought I wanted more and you weren’t willing to give it

07:34 Jack Crispy I wanted a future but you kept saying no

07:34 Felix That you weren’t “alone” thinking those thoughts of us

07:34 Jack Crispy Ah okay

07:34 Jack Crispy Wow I didn’t know that

07:34 Jack Crispy I wanted you and needed you so badly

07:34 Jack Crispy But I felt you were pushing me away.

07:35 Felix That’s how it ended yes

07:35 Jack Crispy I miss you all the time. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you.

07:35 Jack Crispy I see something and you’re the first person I want to tell.

07:35 Jack Crispy I wanted children with you.

07:36 Felix I loved that picture of you as a kid

07:36 Felix “Is that what it would look like if”

07:36 Jack Crispy Which one?

07:37 Felix I think I still have it somewhere

07:37 Felix You have super cute hair

07:37 Jack Crispy Curly?

07:37 Felix Very much so

07:38 Jack Crispy You have curls too.

07:38 Jack Crispy She or he would have curly hair

07:38 Felix Yep

07:39 Jack Crispy With big eyes

07:39 Felix And be so interesting to listen to while she/he discovers the world

07:40 Jack Crispy Absolutely

07:40 Jack Crispy Fluent in numerous languages

07:40 Jack Crispy Including Aussie

07:40 Felix I even think we would have done a good job as parents

07:40 Jack Crispy Me too

07:40 Felix I mean, we’re literally teachers

07:40 Jack Crispy Haha true

07:41 Felix Education would be super important

07:41 Jack Crispy Absolutely

07:41 Felix And your mom would have been in tears…of joy

07:41 Jack Crispy Yep

07:41 Felix And be part of that family

07:42 Jack Crispy She’s given up hope

07:42 Jack Crispy I told her you were it

07:43 Felix I told mine that I was falling in love with an Aussie

07:43 Jack Crispy What did she say?

07:45 Felix It wasn’t so much about you personally, I mean, she doesn’t know you. But she was happy for me. After a divorce it’s not easy to start dreaming again

07:45 Jack Crispy True true. I told my mum that you forgive me despite all my faults

07:46 Jack Crispy And boy do I have a lot of them!

07:46 Felix You’re not that bad, seriously

07:46 Jack Crispy I guess not

07:46 Jack Crispy I always thought we were mirrors

07:48 Felix Opposite of the same…maybe

07:48 Jack Crispy Yep

07:49 Felix So,can I ask about “him”

07:49 Felix The great guy

07:49 Jack Crispy There’s nothing to tell

07:49 Jack Crispy He said you’re still in love with Felix.

07:51 Felix Whatever we have now is a memory Jade, you better start thinking of the future.

07:51 Jack Crispy Well there’s my answer.

07:51 Felix You can’t look back and use “if” sentences

07:51 Jack Crispy I wasn’t looking back. I was looking to forget it and move forward.

07:52 Jack Crispy But I still want an us.

07:52 Jack Crispy You don’t.

07:52 Felix I don’t like your “all or nothing at all” approach but that’s up to you

07:52 Jack Crispy I don’t either.

07:52 Jack Crispy But…

07:52 Felix Hate me if that makes you feel better

07:53 Jack Crispy I can’t be just friends

07:53 Felix But really, I want you to feel better

07:53 Jack Crispy I can’t be just friends and hang out and want to touch you

07:53 Jack Crispy I wish I could but I hurts too much

07:54 Jack Crispy It I mean. Not I

07:54 Felix Fuck, we were cute together

07:54 Jack Crispy I push people away because I love them

07:54 Jack Crispy I know

07:54 Jack Crispy Really cute

07:54 Felix I that’s what I want to remember

07:55 Jack Crispy My heart feels like it’s splitting in two. It’s missing a huge chunk.

07:56 Felix Did you make up with your mom?

07:56 Jack Crispy Yeah

07:56 Felix Good to hear

07:57 Jack Crispy She asked me if I want to move back to Australia.

07:57 Jack Crispy She knows that if I stay here and aren’t with you then I will never get over it

07:58 Jack Crispy I don’t want to hear about you dating someone else. I don’t want to see you with someone else.

08:00 Felix Hiroshima is bigger than me. I like what you’re saying, it makes me feel important and (French accent here) “I am important”

08:01 Jack Crispy It’s not big enough.

08:01 Felix But don’t use me as the reason to leave Japan

08:01 Jack Crispy I’m not leaving

08:01 Jack Crispy I could run away but it’s not going to change the situation.

08:01 Jack Crispy I stopped running many years ago.

08:02 Jack Crispy Okay no more talking about the past. What’s done is done. What’s said is said. You know how I still feel and there’s nothing else I can do or say.

08:03 Jack Crispy I love you Felix and that’s that.

08:03 Felix I’ll be spending the next 4 days with my kids (very unusual thing and I’m so excited about it) so if we bumped into each other

08:03 Felix Say hi to Ester and Lilly

08:04 Felix Gotta start cleaning my place now that I think of it

08:05 Felix Sorry, I really screw up the closure I intended…but I’m not gonna lie….I like talking with you a lot

08:05 Felix You’re selfish when you only talk about your pain you know

08:06 Jack Crispy Talking isn’t enough.

08:06 Jack Crispy You’re selfish for giving me hope.

08:06 Jack Crispy I know.

08:06 Jack Crispy We’re both selfish.

08:08 Felix The last line was supposed to sound like “I wish you all the happiness with him” but I guess it ain’t gonna happen

08:08 Felix So a simple “good-bye” will have to do

08:08 Jack Crispy It’s not.

08:08 Jack Crispy If I can’t be with you I don’t want anyone else.

08:09 Jack Crispy Goodbye.

08:09 Felix 🙂

08:09 Felix You’re a fool

08:09 Jack Crispy No. Just someone who loves you.

08:09 Felix Goodbye

My final words to you about this conversation are that he was always like this, he will never change and yes, I know I put up with less than I deserve. You can make your own assessments about him but I’m fairly sure you agree: wtf does he want?!
The thing is though: I now know what I want. Myself. As Samantha Jones once said,”I love you, but I love me more.” I respect myself enough to not accept less ever again. I demand it. 

And yes, I’ll get over it. 

I love when people…

Presume to tell me what I feel and best of all, what I want.

Let me tell you about my two favourites.

At the top of the list is that I will want children when I meet the right man.

This argument is so flawed you have no idea.

Firstly, I have never wanted children. Can I just repeat that for those of you who didn’t hear it? Sorry, I mean the people who haven’t LISTENED. I have never wanted children.

Unfortunately there are a lot of ignorant people in the world who might have heard what I said, but do not listen. I realise that some people don’t understand this because they assume what they want is also what everyone else wants too. NEWSFLASH! Not everyone wants what you have!

Not wanting children does not make me a children-hater, it does not mean there is something wrong with me, it just means I do not want my own. I’m a kindergarten teacher, I love kids, but I have enough of them to feel satisfied and not require my own. I like being able to play with them and give them back at the end of the day and go home to my apartment, alone and do what I want. That does not make me selfish, it makes me honest. Those people who have children and then dump them on their parents, friends, whatever so they can do what they want, is selfish. When you have kids you have to change your priorities. I don’t want to change mine. As my mum has always said, “The physical act of having a child does not make you a good mother/parent.” True.

As a young girl I was also told that I may not be able to have children. At the time I was having major issues with my periods and even now, although everything appears to be normal, I will never really know unless I decided to try for them. No, don’t feel sorry for me. That’s the way life is sometimes.

When I meet the right man? For starters, that may NEVER HAPPEN! Just because you want me to meet someone does not mean it will actually happen. Believe it or not, sometimes people do not meet anyone. I’m not being negative, I’m being a realist. It is what it is.  I did meet someone last year who changed my mind for a brief moment in time. For a zillion reasons we aren’t together anymore and so this case is closed. It will not open again under any circumstances. I will not compromise on this for anyone ever again.

That brings me to my second favourite:

Time heals everything and you will get over him.

No it does not heal everything.

This is the most ridiculous argument for so many reasons. I would love to bring those ignorant arseholes to Hiroshima and say, yes, try saying that to an A-bomb survivor who lost everyone and everything they loved.

In my case, no. Some things will have dimmed, I give it that, but feelings run deep.

I was just saying to a friend today and to reiterate this point I’m going to reveal something I didn’t want to tell anyone (let alone admit myself), but I just need to accept it.

In fact, let me type out the conversation I sent to her today:

 

I’ve tried. I really have.

I hadn’t seen him for 6 months. Nothing.

But it’s still there.

And to be honest, I know it’s not going to. I know myself well enough. I know my heart very, very, very well. 

I do not have any interest in anyone. No one. I haven’t had any interest in anyone and I always like someone. I cannot forget him. No amount of tattooing my body can change that. Fuck.

 

I don’t want to meet someone new. I like the flawed, pain-in-the-arse person who I met last year who is not my type AT ALL. I would rather be single than be with someone who I’m not really into and is second best. I wouldn’t do that to someone, it’s not fair.

Let me just say, I don’t want to like this person. It makes life complicated, filled with drama and stressful, but for some reason, I like that. Those of you who have followed my blog for awhile know the full story and had any of this happened to a friend I would tell her to run, but I am me and what I choose to do is my business. MY business.

So to the people who presume to tell me what I feel and what I want…

FUCK YOU.

 

 

My New Philosophy 

A few weeks ago a friend messaged me to tell me about a guy she had met who was Japanese, nice, funny, smart, dressed well and was tall. Most of those things I don’t actually care about and as I had PMS I basically told her I’m not interested in meeting anyone. I also told her I have enough friends. 

I discovered he lives in the shithole place I used to live and ironically enough, the same place as my ex. That should have been warning bells enough. 

Without going into detail I discover he not only smokes pot (something I won’t tolerate) I also discover he fucks around and is yet another guy to assume I am a huge party person and have a list of men on call for every whim and fancy. He then insulted me further by insinuating I could have an STD. 

I’m angry for a few reasons:

Number one: I’m sick and tired of men assuming things about me. I enjoy my life and going out with friends but most of my Friday and Saturday nights consist of staying at home watching dramas or reading a book. Or cycling somewhere to get rid of the frustration I have with arseholes like him. I don’t even have one guy I would ring for a booty call and even if I did, no guy seems to understand that I have never have and don’t ever want a sex friend/fuck buddy/whatever terminology you want to use. I don’t use people and I don’t want to be used either. 

Number two: I’m pissed off that I knew I was right to say I didn’t want to meet him but then felt sorry for him because of where he lives. Not my problem. 

Oh and about the STD, I don’t have one and the only reason he said that is because he assumes I’m like him and fuck everything that breathes. 

Yes I’m pissed off. 

That’s why my new life philosophy and dating love philosophy is all about the following statement:
I have never wanted to and still don’t necessarily want to get married but I do want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have a list anymore because I will accept whoever I fall in love with no matter what they look like, their nationality, geeky habits, whatever. They will do the same. 
Hence I’m not dating AT ALL anymore unless that person would be willing to marry me. Why waste my time and why waste theirs if they are the type of person who just wants to fuck everything in sight and have what I consider to be shallow relationships because they’re scared, been hurt in the past or just want sex? 

I don’t give a fuck if someone agrees with me on this or not. I don’t need or want your opinion or your approval. I won’t be changing my mind on this unless or until I meet the person who is going to make me believe that not all men are arseholes who constantly disappoint me. 

I’ve had enough of that. 

Write (or create) what’s right for you!

I often discover new things about myself through my writing. It’s definitely an ‘AHA!’ moment when I realise what I thought I was writing about is just a cover or distraction for the real issue. In other words, the main character is not half as important or interesting as the supporting role of the ordinary girl.

Case (post) in point!

When I began this blog post it was about how after reading the book, Big Magic,’ by Elizabeth Gilbert (the writer best known for her international bestseller, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’) I saw similarities between creativity and love.

It somehow morphed into something completely different, so I ask that you just bear with me and keep reading and enjoy my ‘monkey’ mind jumping around. I’m not apologising, simply saying it how it is.

So, with that in mind, let me proceed!

‘Big Magic,’ is all about living a creative life for yourself, rather than for the exclusive happiness and approval of others. Although it’s focus is creativity, I was surprised to find myself thinking that the same principles that can be applied to creativity also apply to love. Hence, I needed to read this book, because I haven’t had a lot of faith in that whole ‘L’ word since last year.

Gilbert talks about being afraid of rejection or being criticised, misunderstood or ignored. Yep, it applies to how I feel about love right now.

She discusses the idea that there’s no point in pursuing it; yep.

She mentions the whole process as being thought of as a waste of time; yep, my friends tell me to stop pursuing something that isn’t worth it (according to them).

It goes on with possible reasons or excuses for not trying and yes, I am worried about what my family will think (my mum in particular), I am worried about what my friends, ex-colleagues and current ones will think about my state of mind, I am most definitely afraid of facing my own shit through a relationship, I’m afraid of making the same mistakes again and basically, I’m just…

FUCKING SCARED.

Sometimes someone appears, just like Gilbert says ideas do, and you’re not expecting it. They’re nothing like you imagined and yet, you have a choice. You can say yes, or no.

Last year I was approached by love in the form of someone I would never date. Never.

But I said yes. I gave it a chance because someone on the other side of the world planted a seed of an idea in my mind that began to grow.

They said, “Give him a chance.”

So I did.

Now, this is where love and creativity meet and where I received my ‘AHA!’ moment.

Last year when I was in a relationship, I did some of the best writing I’ve done in years. Granted, some of that was actually before we started dating, but I felt as though it got even better and more emotional and real afterwards. I can’t be sure if that’s true because I don’t really have a way to measure it, but in mind it has been… until now.

After we broke up, I wrote and wrote and wrote and used all that sadness and anger to write some good, some bad and some plain-fucking-awful-kill-yourself-after-you’ve-read-this, stuff. A few weeks ago, I finally got sick of my own shit (Gilbert discusses this too) and thought, fuck, if my own depressive shit is pissing me off, imagine all those poor souls who have been reading it! It certainly was a wake-up call.

I’ve been moping around for months thinking that if we were still together everything would be rosy and yet, that was not the issue at all (and definitely not true if we were together either!). I’ve also been feeling a little stale with my writing and have been looking for a new project/projects. All this time, I thought that the issue was about love and it’s not at all. I’ve been pursuing love as a way of trying to rekindle the creativity I had last year.

And why would I do this?

Because my ex loved my writing. He approved. He told me how great and heartfelt it was. He told others how good my writing was.

So what? you say. Ah, but if you read Gilbert’s book you will understand all of this. Gilbert talks all about the ego and how it loves to be stroked. She talks about how being creative for the sole purpose of others leads to us stifling our creative flow.

I finished the book with the feeling that I thought I was reading it because of my interest in creativity, finding something about love and then drawing my own conclusions and truth about myself and my creativity. How’s that for full circle?

In the process of reading it and then letting the words marinate in my soul and mind for a few days I suddenly knew:

Yes, emotions and experiences are indeed powerful things for creativity and are definitely worth pursuing and using as inspiration. But, and there is a but, I have learned there are two things you need to keep in mind.

 

  1. Do not allow those emotions to dominate your creativity. You are not your emotions and your emotions do not need to colour everything you do. In other words, do you work but do not allow all your work to be about these feelings. That not only makes you a slave, but also makes you start to believe that without those emotions you will not produce good work and that is absolutely not true.
  2. The second and perhaps the most important thing is not to attach your self-respect, self-worth and worst of all, identity and creativity with the object of your affection. Believing that without their stamp of approval on your creativity that it isn’t worth your while is an extremely dangerous and negative thought pattern to be trapped in. It is one of those that will only result in a downward spiral.

 

I could keep going on and on here, but I’ve cemented what I needed to, not only in my mind so I can begin creating freely and happily again, but also in words for others to read and hopefully identity with.

Creativity is a strange process and we make all sorts of excuses for why we’re not doing it. I’ve been doing it, but half-heartedly and not with the right intent. My intent from now on is to write (and create) what’s right for me and no one else. If someone likes it, great, but it has nothing to do with me if they don’t.

Thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert, for writing something that can be applied to all facets of life, not just creativity, but something that can also help you to recognise why your creativity (and lack of), is the way it is and how you can change all that.

Amen.

I’m off to create some Big Magic.

🙂

Letters to Hiroshima #1: The Day We Met

This is the first in a new project of mine called, ‘Letters to Hiroshima.’

I hope you enjoy it! 😊🙏🏻

Dear Hiroshima,

I remember the day I first met you. I walked out of Hiroshima Station after arriving on the Shinkansen and I looked back at the sign and smiled. I wasn’t sure why, but you made me feel good. I felt like I’d finally met someone I really liked and could see myself being with for the long haul. 

Two nights wasn’t enough to get to know you but I know you made a deep impression. 

The Dome. What can I say? No words can adequately express how anyone feels when they first see it… It leaves a deep impression that makes you feel both ashamed at the destruction humans can cause and truly amazed that it survived. 

I knew from that day I would never be the same. 

I didn’t want to leave. Everyone felt the same way. We all agreed that you were something special. I can only speak for myself, but I felt a kind of peace just walking around and exploring you. I wanted to talk to you and get to know you better. More than anything though, I wanted you to speak to me. I wanted you to confide in me, to tell me your secrets and to show me the deepest parts of yourself. 

You didn’t have to say how you felt. I could feel it and you knew too. When I made that vow to return, you knew I had sealed my fate with you. 

I haven’t regretted a single day with you. 

Love,

Jade