My New Philosophy 

A few weeks ago a friend messaged me to tell me about a guy she had met who was Japanese, nice, funny, smart, dressed well and was tall. Most of those things I don’t actually care about and as I had PMS I basically told her I’m not interested in meeting anyone. I also told her I have enough friends. 

I discovered he lives in the shithole place I used to live and ironically enough, the same place as my ex. That should have been warning bells enough. 

Without going into detail I discover he not only smokes pot (something I won’t tolerate) I also discover he fucks around and is yet another guy to assume I am a huge party person and have a list of men on call for every whim and fancy. He then insulted me further by insinuating I could have an STD. 

I’m angry for a few reasons:

Number one: I’m sick and tired of men assuming things about me. I enjoy my life and going out with friends but most of my Friday and Saturday nights consist of staying at home watching dramas or reading a book. Or cycling somewhere to get rid of the frustration I have with arseholes like him. I don’t even have one guy I would ring for a booty call and even if I did, no guy seems to understand that I have never have and don’t ever want a sex friend/fuck buddy/whatever terminology you want to use. I don’t use people and I don’t want to be used either. 

Number two: I’m pissed off that I knew I was right to say I didn’t want to meet him but then felt sorry for him because of where he lives. Not my problem. 

Oh and about the STD, I don’t have one and the only reason he said that is because he assumes I’m like him and fuck everything that breathes. 

Yes I’m pissed off. 

That’s why my new life philosophy and dating love philosophy is all about the following statement:
I have never wanted to and still don’t necessarily want to get married but I do want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don’t have a list anymore because I will accept whoever I fall in love with no matter what they look like, their nationality, geeky habits, whatever. They will do the same. 
Hence I’m not dating AT ALL anymore unless that person would be willing to marry me. Why waste my time and why waste theirs if they are the type of person who just wants to fuck everything in sight and have what I consider to be shallow relationships because they’re scared, been hurt in the past or just want sex? 

I don’t give a fuck if someone agrees with me on this or not. I don’t need or want your opinion or your approval. I won’t be changing my mind on this unless or until I meet the person who is going to make me believe that not all men are arseholes who constantly disappoint me. 

I’ve had enough of that. 

Write (or create) what’s right for you!

I often discover new things about myself through my writing. It’s definitely an ‘AHA!’ moment when I realise what I thought I was writing about is just a cover or distraction for the real issue. In other words, the main character is not half as important or interesting as the supporting role of the ordinary girl.

Case (post) in point!

When I began this blog post it was about how after reading the book, Big Magic,’ by Elizabeth Gilbert (the writer best known for her international bestseller, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’) I saw similarities between creativity and love.

It somehow morphed into something completely different, so I ask that you just bear with me and keep reading and enjoy my ‘monkey’ mind jumping around. I’m not apologising, simply saying it how it is.

So, with that in mind, let me proceed!

‘Big Magic,’ is all about living a creative life for yourself, rather than for the exclusive happiness and approval of others. Although it’s focus is creativity, I was surprised to find myself thinking that the same principles that can be applied to creativity also apply to love. Hence, I needed to read this book, because I haven’t had a lot of faith in that whole ‘L’ word since last year.

Gilbert talks about being afraid of rejection or being criticised, misunderstood or ignored. Yep, it applies to how I feel about love right now.

She discusses the idea that there’s no point in pursuing it; yep.

She mentions the whole process as being thought of as a waste of time; yep, my friends tell me to stop pursuing something that isn’t worth it (according to them).

It goes on with possible reasons or excuses for not trying and yes, I am worried about what my family will think (my mum in particular), I am worried about what my friends, ex-colleagues and current ones will think about my state of mind, I am most definitely afraid of facing my own shit through a relationship, I’m afraid of making the same mistakes again and basically, I’m just…

FUCKING SCARED.

Sometimes someone appears, just like Gilbert says ideas do, and you’re not expecting it. They’re nothing like you imagined and yet, you have a choice. You can say yes, or no.

Last year I was approached by love in the form of someone I would never date. Never.

But I said yes. I gave it a chance because someone on the other side of the world planted a seed of an idea in my mind that began to grow.

They said, “Give him a chance.”

So I did.

Now, this is where love and creativity meet and where I received my ‘AHA!’ moment.

Last year when I was in a relationship, I did some of the best writing I’ve done in years. Granted, some of that was actually before we started dating, but I felt as though it got even better and more emotional and real afterwards. I can’t be sure if that’s true because I don’t really have a way to measure it, but in mind it has been… until now.

After we broke up, I wrote and wrote and wrote and used all that sadness and anger to write some good, some bad and some plain-fucking-awful-kill-yourself-after-you’ve-read-this, stuff. A few weeks ago, I finally got sick of my own shit (Gilbert discusses this too) and thought, fuck, if my own depressive shit is pissing me off, imagine all those poor souls who have been reading it! It certainly was a wake-up call.

I’ve been moping around for months thinking that if we were still together everything would be rosy and yet, that was not the issue at all (and definitely not true if we were together either!). I’ve also been feeling a little stale with my writing and have been looking for a new project/projects. All this time, I thought that the issue was about love and it’s not at all. I’ve been pursuing love as a way of trying to rekindle the creativity I had last year.

And why would I do this?

Because my ex loved my writing. He approved. He told me how great and heartfelt it was. He told others how good my writing was.

So what? you say. Ah, but if you read Gilbert’s book you will understand all of this. Gilbert talks all about the ego and how it loves to be stroked. She talks about how being creative for the sole purpose of others leads to us stifling our creative flow.

I finished the book with the feeling that I thought I was reading it because of my interest in creativity, finding something about love and then drawing my own conclusions and truth about myself and my creativity. How’s that for full circle?

In the process of reading it and then letting the words marinate in my soul and mind for a few days I suddenly knew:

Yes, emotions and experiences are indeed powerful things for creativity and are definitely worth pursuing and using as inspiration. But, and there is a but, I have learned there are two things you need to keep in mind.

 

  1. Do not allow those emotions to dominate your creativity. You are not your emotions and your emotions do not need to colour everything you do. In other words, do you work but do not allow all your work to be about these feelings. That not only makes you a slave, but also makes you start to believe that without those emotions you will not produce good work and that is absolutely not true.
  2. The second and perhaps the most important thing is not to attach your self-respect, self-worth and worst of all, identity and creativity with the object of your affection. Believing that without their stamp of approval on your creativity that it isn’t worth your while is an extremely dangerous and negative thought pattern to be trapped in. It is one of those that will only result in a downward spiral.

 

I could keep going on and on here, but I’ve cemented what I needed to, not only in my mind so I can begin creating freely and happily again, but also in words for others to read and hopefully identity with.

Creativity is a strange process and we make all sorts of excuses for why we’re not doing it. I’ve been doing it, but half-heartedly and not with the right intent. My intent from now on is to write (and create) what’s right for me and no one else. If someone likes it, great, but it has nothing to do with me if they don’t.

Thank you, Elizabeth Gilbert, for writing something that can be applied to all facets of life, not just creativity, but something that can also help you to recognise why your creativity (and lack of), is the way it is and how you can change all that.

Amen.

I’m off to create some Big Magic.

🙂

Letters to Hiroshima #1: The Day We Met

This is the first in a new project of mine called, ‘Letters to Hiroshima.’

I hope you enjoy it! 😊🙏🏻

Dear Hiroshima,

I remember the day I first met you. I walked out of Hiroshima Station after arriving on the Shinkansen and I looked back at the sign and smiled. I wasn’t sure why, but you made me feel good. I felt like I’d finally met someone I really liked and could see myself being with for the long haul. 

Two nights wasn’t enough to get to know you but I know you made a deep impression. 

The Dome. What can I say? No words can adequately express how anyone feels when they first see it… It leaves a deep impression that makes you feel both ashamed at the destruction humans can cause and truly amazed that it survived. 

I knew from that day I would never be the same. 

I didn’t want to leave. Everyone felt the same way. We all agreed that you were something special. I can only speak for myself, but I felt a kind of peace just walking around and exploring you. I wanted to talk to you and get to know you better. More than anything though, I wanted you to speak to me. I wanted you to confide in me, to tell me your secrets and to show me the deepest parts of yourself. 

You didn’t have to say how you felt. I could feel it and you knew too. When I made that vow to return, you knew I had sealed my fate with you. 

I haven’t regretted a single day with you. 

Love,

Jade

The worst sickness of all

Everybody thinks that love is the greatest sickness there is.

I disagree.

I think it’s being homesick.

Last week I was so excited because my mum had said she would pay for me to come back to visit Australia during summer vacation. This was a big offer because she doesn’t make a lot of money and at the moment, I’m in no position whatsoever to be able to go anywhere due to my own lack of funds. In fact, I feel stuck here. I’m barely surviving.

With that thought in mind, I started planning dates and things to do.

  • spend time with my cats.
  • go to my favorite park near the beach and count the ships on the horizon.
  • go to my favorite coffee shop and get their chocolate-tasting coffee.
  • visit my friend and her new baby.
  • sit on the back verandah and eat lunch.
  • do nothing.
  • read books from my childhood.
  • go for a drive to Ubobo in the country and look at the mountains.
  • take photos of the endless Australian blue skies.
  • sit in the sun and fall asleep.
  • watch Top Gear, ‘Vietnam Special,’ with my mum.
  • annoy my mum by leaving my shoes in the entrance so she can trip over them.

Yep, just normal stuff, nothing special at all.

Then I got an email to say sorry, I really can’t afford to bring you home. I understood. I understand.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

I don’t think I’ve slept properly in years. Not a deep sleep where I’ve been untroubled by any thought that wasn’t related to a lack of money or my job. Or men for that matter. I’m not complaining, just stating facts. Much of it is my own fault because I leave my phone on during the night and am bombarded with emails and texts that I stupidly answer instead of ignoring.

Anyway, this morning I made the mistake of listening to the Qantas ad that every Australian is familiar with. It’s a song that chokes me up, brings tears to my eyes and gives me a pain in my chest that can only be called a ‘heart clench.’ It completely overwhelms me, makes me totally emotional and gives me goosebumps.

Yes, THAT ad. Watch it here.

Sometimes you need to go away to truly appreciate where you are from originally. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about next year and where I want to go. I know I’m just making excuses when I consider going somewhere else in Asia. I’m not doing what I love doing, I’m still teaching and although I like my students, the job for me is not fulfilling and not challenging in the least.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next year (no one does), but I would like to know that I’m not alone in thinking about it and considering my next move. I know that I need to talk to people about this, but I don’t know how to bring it up at the moment and the whole idea is overwhelming and completely terrifying to me. My blog thank goodness is an outlet for all this emotion.

Wow, what a negative start to the week. Sorry for dampening everybody’s spirit.

I need a holiday. Have I mentioned that previously?

 

‘Ugly’ and still full of love

Last night as I waited for a friend at Hiroshima Station I did what everyone else around me was doing: scrolled through my phone. On my Pinterest feed I found this story and knew I had to share it with you.

I was wearing dark sunglasses and as I stood there against the pole, the only signs of me crying were the tears rolling down my cheeks and the slight quiver of my bottom lip.

This story broke my heart and equally, healed it. I reread it again this morning and am crying again. I don’t just mean a few tears, I mean buckets with tissues and snot. I don’t know why this story had such an impact. Maybe because it’s animal who is helpless and can’t tell us in human words how it’s feeling; it can only show us which sometimes says more than words.

I don’t want to give away anything else, but I urge you to read it and take from it what you want and need. You won’t regret it.

My biggest point that I took was that some human beings treat others (both animals and humans) like this just because of what they look like. They fail to see that what is on the inside in the form of their personality is the most important thing.

In fact, I find people who are cruel to be ‘ugly,’ not those who might be classified like that because of their looks. I have met many, many physically attractive people who I consider to be ‘ugly’ because of their personality.

Everyone deserves to be treated as a fellow being, human or otherwise. If you are a living thing, you deserve love and affection and most of all, compassion.

I think ‘Ugly’ was more ‘Beautiful’ than anything else because of the pureness of his heart and soul. RIP little guy.