The Sins of the Fathers (and Mothers)

I’ve been doing a lot of reading on psychology in the last few months and one thing that keeps cropping up is that childhood experiences are the basis of our lives. We often say that children are so resilient and they are, but what we don’t realise is that these childhood issues raise their ugly heads and fuck us up when we become adults.

I have been trying to understand why it is that my relationships with men fail and although I know that some of the men I’ve chosen over the years have certainly been less than decent, I also know I have a responsibility for my choices and choosing to accept and put up with what I’ve chosen.

I didn’t realise the connection until I received an email from my dad this morning, and I didn’t see the similarities between the men I’ve been with until now either.

It was like a lightbulb had suddenly been turned on and ironically enough it was the man who had originally hurt me who was able to shine some light on the situation.

It’s a multifaceted issue so let’s start with a few things my dad said and then I’ll relate them back to me.

Firstly he told me to understand myself and to never accept less than I want, need or deserve. I’ve been told this by a few people lately and I know it’s true but I guess the reason I keep some men around for longer than I should is also a multifaceted one. I’ll come back to this.

My dad said he doesn’t know how to love or feel it. Neither do any of the men I’ve been with. They feel something but they have no idea how to express it because it makes them feel uncomfortable. I’ve had men use jokes, deflection or simply get up and walk away. Many of them have told me their father or parents in general did the same or they just weren’t around so they have no idea how to love because they weren’t taught properly.

Is it coincidence that I keep being attracted to these men?

No.

On a basic level I believe it’s because I’m so used to this it’s comfortable and normal. But being comfortable in this case could also mean preventing growth that is so desperately needed.

I have also believed in the past that I could somehow make these men love and be loved.

Wrong and the reason is evident in my dad’s next line and I quote:

“Your mother said to me I would grow old alone, and she is right because it is not about how many people who are around you but the WHO that is not.

I am not sure if there has ever been a WHO for me and that is why I am who I am.”

I still can’t believe what is so blatantly obvious to me in that wording is something my dad hasn’t yet recognised.

The person he and the men I’ve chosen believe is missing cannot be found anywhere but within themselves. Yes, the WHO is themselves!

So yes, the reason I cannot ever help these men is because these men don’t realise that they need to love themselves in order to be loved.

And I guess that’s also exactly what I’m mirroring but in a different way when I try so desperately to love them.

I said the same thing my mum did to someone last year. The similarities between him and my dad are uncanny. They have a lot of similar traits and even a similar upbringing.

I also have a love-hate relationship with this man.

I guess the last thing I want to say is that subconsciously and now consciously, I stayed with this man because I wanted his approval and because in some fucked-up way, he was the second chance to make it work after my dad.

That is not good enough and definitely not a healthy basis for a relationship.

I’m not saying it would never work, but to be honest, I think I have come to see and accept why this person came into my life:

He made me see the motives for why I love and the changes I need to make for a successful relationship.

Funnily enough I can now also see the men I never choose, i.e. some of my best friends, are the best men to love and who love me in return and tell me all the time.

Without that email from my dad I would never have learned the lessons I can see now.

Thanks Dad.

xxxooo

The Daiso Diaries: Chapter 9

DaisoHeader

Just to let you know as a follow-up to last week’s column, no matter which Daiso branch I went to, they have decided to discontinue the shape of that lightbulb. Instead, I opted to get a plain round LED type and yes, it works just fine.

Newbulb

I was just so glad I didn’t electrocute myself when I plugged it in. Actually, I turned off the main switch just in case because I wasn’t sure whether I’d turned the light on or off after the bulb blew. If I was dead you wouldn’t get this week’s column and that would be a great shame. A shame that I’d be dead I mean, not about the column.

As for this week’s column, since I have my tattoos now… wait, I didn’t tell you all! Yes, I am now the proud owner of two wrist tattoos: one very small and one medium size and being in Japan, thus need to cover them up during work hours. Here they are:

Tattoosneedcoverup

Getting back to my story, I need cover-ups.

So… I’ve been embracing the Japanese women’s summer trend of wearing those arm sleeve things. You know the ones I mean. The ones that cover you from wrist to nearly your armpits. I actually bought my first pair about a month before I got my tattoos; I liked the tie-dyed inspired purple and thought they’d look funky with my fluro-yellow tutu skirt. They are hot though, so I went looking for some shorter ones the other day and came up with… black mesh gloves! Yes, the ones that 80s rockers wore, like Madonna, although for some reason I feel very Michael Jacksonish when I wear mine. Except they’re black and not white (God, I didn’t even mean to make that song reference) and I wear two and not one. Okay, they’re nothing like Michael Jackson. Scrap that thought.

Madonnagloves

My friend was also at Daiso the other day and messaged to tell me she’d found something she knew I’d like. She sent through a photo and I told her to buy it for me immediately and that I’d pay her back.

This is what she bought me:

Tattoosleevefull

Oh yeah! Tattoo sleeves!

I know that seems kind of stupid considering I have real ones that I’m trying to cover up, but to be truthful, I just liked them and thought they were cool.

She also found these two and ended up buying all three types for herself. J She’s yet to wear them. So am I for that matter.

SkullLia

Tattoo2Lia

I have discovered I also have a major thing for Daiso’s new jewellery range. I’ve gone back to wearing multiple necklaces like I used to do when I was at primary school (elementary school, for non-Aussies) and am layering my latest Daiso purchase with ones from other shops.

Last Friday I was heading out to meet someone and I needed to kill some time beforehand. I popped into Daiso and found a really cute, silver necklace with a little feather charm on it. I was wearing a tribal-inspired outfit at the time so it went with it perfectly.

Feathernecklace

I now can’t stop wearing it with my other two favourite necklaces of the moment.

Layerednecklaces

I just realised that I didn’t actually have a main point this week to focus on, I simply wanted to share my latest purchases. Saying that though, now that I’ve gotten to the end, I do have a point and that is:

Do not discount Daiso for things like jewellery etc. simply because you’re being a snob and don’t think they would have anything that’s worth it. It’s a great place to go at the last minute to find something a little unique because most people won’t be shopping there for the same reason that you, snobby bum, haven’t been.

Better still, go to Daiso and find stuff that isn’t the norm and change it up to make it your own. Own that shit, bitch. Work it baby! You know what I mean.

And saying that, I’m off to start new week’s column because I just had a brilliant idea! Next week will also be the final column for summer stuff as it will be September the following week and the shops have already started on their autumn and Halloween ranges. Yep, fast I know!

Have a great week everyone!

 

 

 

 

 

 

365 Prompt: August 17 2017

Sutures:

Blade didn’t believe in hospitals. He thought that despite their ability to heal people, they were still associated with the government that oppressed us.

I agreed with his feelings about the government but I also knew that they performed a vital service; one that was desperately needed in the world that ours had become.

I couldn’t remember when it had changed. All my memories now seemed to bleed and blend into each other. I had trouble distinguishing one day from another which is why I’d started to scratch lines into the wall each morning when I awoke.

I think though that even Blade had to admit he might have needed the hospital that fateful night he came home.

He’d been at work in the tunnels and I remember the door had almost broken down with his pounding. I still don’t know how he managed to walk or drag himself home but he had. I remember throwing open the door to have him collapse upon me and have him lose consciousness almost straight away.

I didn’t need to cut open his trousers where the wound was because it had already been shredded by the machine that had caused his accident. I had almost vomited when I saw that the artery had been severed. He’d wedged a giant ball of cloth in to stop the bleeding but I knew as soon as I removed it that it would start again and without proper medical care he would almost certainly die.

“Blade, we had to get you to the hospital! You need sutures,” I’d said.

He’d regained consciousness at this point and managed to shake his head and reply. “Cassie, you’re better than any doctor I know. Fix me up, you can do it.”

It was the only time I’ve been genuinely scared. In a society like ours, fear was something constant and eventually you just became so used to it that you forgot all about it. That sounds horrible, but it’s true. Death was always lurking on the sidelines ready to pounce at an opportune moment.

I realised then just how much my brother loved me. He might have been hard on me and yelled at me a lot, but he only did it for my protection and because he cared. He’d trusted me with his life and had more faith in me than anyone I’d ever known. It was because of him that I’d mustered the courage to try.

And I’d succeeded because today, five years later, my big brother was standing right in front of me.

I was also the first self-taught and officially recognised doctor in the slums where we still lived.

The oppressive government was still in control, but somehow we’d managed to survive and thrive in even the harshest of environments.

365 Prompt: August 16 2017

Documentary:

I was watching a documentary on my computer when the doorbell rang.

I wasn’t expecting anyone and no one had messaged or called to say they were coming over.

I peered through the keyhole to find The Devil standing there.

I don’t mean the the horned one; I mean the one who had made me go through hell and whose occasional messages still tempted me to believe there was hope.

Did I open the door and invite him in?

That’s what the old me would have done.

I didn’t want to dance with the Devil again.

I ignored it and sat down again to watch the show.

It might not have been 40 days in the desert, but Jesus still would have been proud.

365 Prompt: August 15 2017

The chandelier:

I knew I was going to be in big trouble.

There was no way I could pin this on somebody else.

How was I supposed to know the light fixture wasn't exactly, 'fixed,' as well as I felt it should have been?

How was I to know it was very delicate and clearly not built to withstand my ever-increasing weight?

I thought it would be good exercise, running, jumping, flying through the air…

To land perfectly on top of it.

I was wrong.

More than once my owner had referred to me as, 'Garfield.'

Nope, there was no way I could blame the dog this time.

Only a cat could jump and land on the chandelier.

The chandelier that now lay smashed to pieces on the floor.

I was going to be in big trouble.

If he doesn’t try…

He's just not that into you.

It's funny what others can see in us that sometimes we can't or that we may simply be unaware of. Or…

That we may be unwilling to acknowledge and fix.

The other night a friend was flicking through some photos on my old computer and came across one I described as post breakup.

Her first words, "God, you were so skinny!" were quickly followed by, "Your eyes show you are deeply unhappy."

I peered more closely at the screen. She was right. Why hasn't I seen that before? It was blatantly obvious.

It's no wonder then, that friends have been saying for nearly a year how happy and stress-free I am.

It's true. I thought what I wanted again was going to make me happy when I'm actually already there.

As the same friend lamented her lack of boyfriend and whether she should sleep with this guy or that guy I suddenly said, "None of them because they're all just not that into you."

We'd also just been talking about the movie of the same name and they're also the same words that another friend's husband said to me last year, much to her horror.

He went on to explain that it had nothing to do with me but because the person in question just loved himself more. He meant the love was coming from a place of deep selfishness, not one of self-worth and respect.

My mum said the same thing to me this morning. She said that until now I obviously still hadn't thought I was good enough for better and was just going to settle. I didn't think I was like that.

I think what cemented it in my mind were the words I told my friend last night:

"I won't have to try and make the right guy like me or apologize for being myself. He will love that and just accept me like my family and friends do. It will be easy and he won't make me cry or question everything anymore."

I guess by saying them aloud to someone else for their benefit rather than my own I suddenly realized I believed in them and myself now.

I don't need to look for anything and neither does she. It will find us.