Panic Attack

I’m currently sitting in Tully’s coffee shop near my apartment and reading.

Or I was, until a few minutes ago when I realised that I was having my first panic attack in ages.

Sure, I have PMS, but I’m also having a delayed reaction to my decision to leave Japan and move back to Australia.

I’m not reconsidering. I’m simply saying that I realised this has possibly been the hardest decision of my life to make. I don’t know why I didn’t see this earlier. I mean it’s taken me two years to make. Of course it hasn’t been easy and I’ll admit it, I’m fucking scared.

When did this place stop being my home and start feeling like it’s sucking me dry?

Today while I stood watching my students race around the park my heart was suddenly filled with such emotion: love. I haven’t felt that for a long time and it made me think, shit, what the fuck are you doing leaving?!

I know deep down I need to go but that doesn’t stop part of my brain from suddenly jumping up and down and saying, seriously, why don’t you just stay? It would be easier.

A coworker asked me today if FF (Fuckface, my rapist ex) didn’t live in the same city would I reconsider.

I said probably.

But then, as I said it’s not the main reason.

I know these are all normal reactions but still, they’re not nice.

I know if I don’t leave my life will never change for the better, but then, how many of us stay in shitty situations because it’s comfortable?

All I can say to myself is: Jade, remember last year and how he made you feel. It’s the same with Hiroshima.


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