…You’ll become the woman you’re meant to be.
That was the quote I posted on the weekend and one that’s been bouncing around in my brain ever since.
Because I was thinking back to when I was a few kilos lighter and how I was so disciplined with my eating and exercise and how maybe, just maybe I should revert to that.
Luckily my brain has formed new habits because yes, although I was a few kilos lighter, I was too skinny and I didn’t enjoy my food, I didn’t have anything to look forward to and I was obsessed with exercise.
Now of course, I’ve more than made up for all of that in the last few years with eating and drinking pretty much whatever the fuck I want. It may or may not be healthy, but I guess I’ve finally struck a healthy balance and splashing out occasionally is not an issue, nor something I should feel guilty about.
But I do feel guilty sometimes and I do still punish myself because I did it for so long that it’s a hard habit to break. I’m learning though.
In the past when I had my eating disorder I was also dreadfully unhappy and why, oh why, would I want to go back to that, even if it meant I was a few kilos lighter?
I wouldn’t. I never want to go back and I can’t go back.
I spoke to a friend yesterday and said although I don’t have my eating disorder anymore, just like an alcoholic you never truly recover. You do still have a few things you find yourself doing, but you know you’re okay when you recognise them and change them.
Hence, no more restrictions on myself. Restrictions never work.
I should also point out here that food and drink were never the issue. It all began back in university when the two most important men in my life: my boyfriend and my dad were either criticising me or leaving. I figured that by losing weight I would be so ugly that no one would want me anyway and thus, I wouldn’t get hurt. Crazy, but also strangely logical. And no, it didn’t work. Guys still liked me.
But I did learn a lot. I learned that happiness comes from within, it comes from being yourself and from loving yourself. It’s also a lesson I’ve had to remind myself of time and time again.
I don’t want to be the girl I once was. I want to be the best woman I can be.
No more deals and no more stupid and crazy rules and restrictions.
Life is to be lived.