This is the stuff… 

That dramas and books are made of. Yes, the real-life stuff that people use as fodder or material for their creative outlets. People keep asking me when I’m going to start writing that book or best-selling drama. It’s coming, believe me.  

Before I say anything more, I know I am opening myself up to all sorts of criticism here: that I’m a bitch for sharing a private conversation for example. I’d like to point out that by posting this I’m showing just how much of an idiot I am as well for wasting my time on someone who obviously doesn’t give a shit about me. 

No, the reason I’m posting this is to provide an example to all those people out there who have had dealings with a narcissist. Yes, the people who will never ever be able to have a relationship with anyone else. The type of person who confuses you and leaves you waiting, hopeful that maybe, given time something will change. IT WILL NEVER CHANGE!

I won’t say anything more, you can read the transcript and decide for yourself. I am fairly sure that even if you think I’m a bitch, you will be left saying, ah yes, but he is still leading her on, giving her hope or, what the fuck is he saying and what does he want?! 

Without further ado, I present the last conversation. 

[LINE] Chat history with Felix

Saved on: 2017/08/12 13:25

2017/08/12(土)

07:29 Felix Once we cared for each other. You made me doubt and dream of a different future because I really enjoyed you in my life and wanted more of “us”. You were not alone with me…but now you are because I’ve stopped dreaming about a possible “us”.

07:29 Jack Crispy Huh?

07:29 Felix I do miss you…but it’s the past that I miss

07:29 Jack Crispy What do you mean I wasn’t alone with you?

07:30 Felix I’m kind of answering your email here

07:31 Jack Crispy I wanted more of us but I didn’t think you did

07:31 Jack Crispy Okay so that’s my answer…

07:32 Felix I don’t want to be cold and it’s dangerous to be warm with you

07:32 Jack Crispy I never cheated on you. I don’t know what you mean by you weren’t alone with me. You mean you had others?

07:32 Felix No

07:33 Felix Not that

07:33 Felix It’s actually quite romantic

07:33 Jack Crispy I’m so confused right now

07:33 Felix It means that I was your partner and felt what you felt

07:34 Jack Crispy I thought I wanted more and you weren’t willing to give it

07:34 Jack Crispy I wanted a future but you kept saying no

07:34 Felix That you weren’t “alone” thinking those thoughts of us

07:34 Jack Crispy Ah okay

07:34 Jack Crispy Wow I didn’t know that

07:34 Jack Crispy I wanted you and needed you so badly

07:34 Jack Crispy But I felt you were pushing me away.

07:35 Felix That’s how it ended yes

07:35 Jack Crispy I miss you all the time. Not a day goes by I don’t think of you.

07:35 Jack Crispy I see something and you’re the first person I want to tell.

07:35 Jack Crispy I wanted children with you.

07:36 Felix I loved that picture of you as a kid

07:36 Felix “Is that what it would look like if”

07:36 Jack Crispy Which one?

07:37 Felix I think I still have it somewhere

07:37 Felix You have super cute hair

07:37 Jack Crispy Curly?

07:37 Felix Very much so

07:38 Jack Crispy You have curls too.

07:38 Jack Crispy She or he would have curly hair

07:38 Felix Yep

07:39 Jack Crispy With big eyes

07:39 Felix And be so interesting to listen to while she/he discovers the world

07:40 Jack Crispy Absolutely

07:40 Jack Crispy Fluent in numerous languages

07:40 Jack Crispy Including Aussie

07:40 Felix I even think we would have done a good job as parents

07:40 Jack Crispy Me too

07:40 Felix I mean, we’re literally teachers

07:40 Jack Crispy Haha true

07:41 Felix Education would be super important

07:41 Jack Crispy Absolutely

07:41 Felix And your mom would have been in tears…of joy

07:41 Jack Crispy Yep

07:41 Felix And be part of that family

07:42 Jack Crispy She’s given up hope

07:42 Jack Crispy I told her you were it

07:43 Felix I told mine that I was falling in love with an Aussie

07:43 Jack Crispy What did she say?

07:45 Felix It wasn’t so much about you personally, I mean, she doesn’t know you. But she was happy for me. After a divorce it’s not easy to start dreaming again

07:45 Jack Crispy True true. I told my mum that you forgive me despite all my faults

07:46 Jack Crispy And boy do I have a lot of them!

07:46 Felix You’re not that bad, seriously

07:46 Jack Crispy I guess not

07:46 Jack Crispy I always thought we were mirrors

07:48 Felix Opposite of the same…maybe

07:48 Jack Crispy Yep

07:49 Felix So,can I ask about “him”

07:49 Felix The great guy

07:49 Jack Crispy There’s nothing to tell

07:49 Jack Crispy He said you’re still in love with Felix.

07:51 Felix Whatever we have now is a memory Jade, you better start thinking of the future.

07:51 Jack Crispy Well there’s my answer.

07:51 Felix You can’t look back and use “if” sentences

07:51 Jack Crispy I wasn’t looking back. I was looking to forget it and move forward.

07:52 Jack Crispy But I still want an us.

07:52 Jack Crispy You don’t.

07:52 Felix I don’t like your “all or nothing at all” approach but that’s up to you

07:52 Jack Crispy I don’t either.

07:52 Jack Crispy But…

07:52 Felix Hate me if that makes you feel better

07:53 Jack Crispy I can’t be just friends

07:53 Felix But really, I want you to feel better

07:53 Jack Crispy I can’t be just friends and hang out and want to touch you

07:53 Jack Crispy I wish I could but I hurts too much

07:54 Jack Crispy It I mean. Not I

07:54 Felix Fuck, we were cute together

07:54 Jack Crispy I push people away because I love them

07:54 Jack Crispy I know

07:54 Jack Crispy Really cute

07:54 Felix I that’s what I want to remember

07:55 Jack Crispy My heart feels like it’s splitting in two. It’s missing a huge chunk.

07:56 Felix Did you make up with your mom?

07:56 Jack Crispy Yeah

07:56 Felix Good to hear

07:57 Jack Crispy She asked me if I want to move back to Australia.

07:57 Jack Crispy She knows that if I stay here and aren’t with you then I will never get over it

07:58 Jack Crispy I don’t want to hear about you dating someone else. I don’t want to see you with someone else.

08:00 Felix Hiroshima is bigger than me. I like what you’re saying, it makes me feel important and (French accent here) “I am important”

08:01 Jack Crispy It’s not big enough.

08:01 Felix But don’t use me as the reason to leave Japan

08:01 Jack Crispy I’m not leaving

08:01 Jack Crispy I could run away but it’s not going to change the situation.

08:01 Jack Crispy I stopped running many years ago.

08:02 Jack Crispy Okay no more talking about the past. What’s done is done. What’s said is said. You know how I still feel and there’s nothing else I can do or say.

08:03 Jack Crispy I love you Felix and that’s that.

08:03 Felix I’ll be spending the next 4 days with my kids (very unusual thing and I’m so excited about it) so if we bumped into each other

08:03 Felix Say hi to Ester and Lilly

08:04 Felix Gotta start cleaning my place now that I think of it

08:05 Felix Sorry, I really screw up the closure I intended…but I’m not gonna lie….I like talking with you a lot

08:05 Felix You’re selfish when you only talk about your pain you know

08:06 Jack Crispy Talking isn’t enough.

08:06 Jack Crispy You’re selfish for giving me hope.

08:06 Jack Crispy I know.

08:06 Jack Crispy We’re both selfish.

08:08 Felix The last line was supposed to sound like “I wish you all the happiness with him” but I guess it ain’t gonna happen

08:08 Felix So a simple “good-bye” will have to do

08:08 Jack Crispy It’s not.

08:08 Jack Crispy If I can’t be with you I don’t want anyone else.

08:09 Jack Crispy Goodbye.

08:09 Felix 🙂

08:09 Felix You’re a fool

08:09 Jack Crispy No. Just someone who loves you.

08:09 Felix Goodbye

My final words to you about this conversation are that he was always like this, he will never change and yes, I know I put up with less than I deserve. You can make your own assessments about him but I’m fairly sure you agree: wtf does he want?!
The thing is though: I now know what I want. Myself. As Samantha Jones once said,”I love you, but I love me more.” I respect myself enough to not accept less ever again. I demand it. 

And yes, I’ll get over it. 

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