Pissed off and the rediscovery of self

Okay, so this story begins on Thursday night. I used to say on here that I was having a rant; now I believe that it’s just called being pissed off for legitimate reasons and it is perfectly acceptable to yell and voice your opinion. If you don’t want to hear what I have to say, simple, fuck off and don’t read it.

Actually, let me just back it up a bit and say that this story probably begins years and years ago when I was strong, super stubborn and a force to be reckoned with. I took no shit from anyone. I mellowed in Japan and although sometimes that can be a good thing, last year I reached a low that will not be repeated again. Hence, this story is a rediscovery of my inner strength and my take-no-bullshit approach which is now firmly back in its place where it belongs.

So, to Thursday night…

I was supposed to have a date on Friday with a guy I’ve been friends with, but haven’t been in touch with since last year. We hooked up just before my ex and I officially got together and everyone thought I was crazy when I ditched him and started dating my ex instead. Now I see their point, but I digress.

I messaged him to confirm and he replied that he was sorry, something had come up and could we postpone it. Now I knew this could happen; he did warn me about it. But, and there is a but… I realised a little while ago that I’m done waiting around for people. I’m not going to fit in with them all the time. I have done that far too much in the past three years here in Japan and I’ve had enough.

I read the message, pressed delete and won’t be replying.

Now some of my female friends told me I was overreacting. My mum’s words were, “Jade, he’s not Felix,” meaning don’t treat him like an arsehole because he isn’t.

I know he’s not, but that doesn’t change the fact that yes, I was disappointed he cancelled. Then again, that was only for a second before my newly rediscovered strong, stubborn bitch kicked in and I thought, fuck that shit.

If he wants to date me, he’ll message and ask me out again. I’m not chasing him. I’m not chasing anybody.

The second pissed off story comes from a friend of mine who suddenly messaged out of the blue after not doing so for months and not replying to any of my messages. No apology.

Delete.

The third story is about a very good friend of mine who asked if we could hang out this weekend. I said yes but that I can’t drink as I’m taking medicine for this terrible cough I’ve had for over a month. Her response: oh we can’t hang out then. Um, EXCUSE ME?! Am I right in thinking you don’t want to hang out because I can’t drink? She must have felt bad because she ended up saying oh okay, that’s fine, let’s go downtown. I had already told her weeks ago that I hate this time of year with the major festival in town and that I avoid it the entire weekend. She said oh okay, let’s do something else. I messaged her yesterday and asked what we were doing… her response: oh sorry I made other plans because you said you didn’t want to go downtown.

Delete.

She then messaged again later with a belated invitation asking me to hang out with her friends at the other place they decided to go.

“I’m going away by myself tomorrow,” I told her. Awwwww, she replied.

Delete.

Yes, some people may think I’m being overly harsh and my mum’s response was, “Do you have PMS?” but my reply was, “NO, I’M JUST FUCKING PISSED OFF WITH UNRELIABLE, TIME-WASTING WANKERS WHO EXPECT ME TO BE THE NICE PERSON I’VE ALWAYS BEEN!”

ENOUGH!

I REALLY, REALLY like the person I’ve become. I’m happy with who I am, what I do and what I’ve achieved. Women often put themselves second and tiptoe around everyone else to try and keep the peace. Sometimes it might feel easier, but to be honest, it makes you angry and eventually you will erupt.

I now know that sometimes you do have to be cutthroat. You do have to delete people in your life and you never have to apologise for who you are. Ever.

A few people have said, “Jade, you’ve changed.”

Yes, I have, thank fuck. I’ve become the person I used to be, but better and stronger because I had to deal with shit that was fucking life-changing.

People say that being picky and having expectations is a bad thing. I say fuck them. Being picky means you don’t settle and if you don’t have any standards or expectations, either of others or yourself, you will never know what you can achieve. STEP THE FUCK UP if you want to be my friend or date me.

My focus at the moment is ALL about me. I am number fucking one and unless you treat me and others with a little respect, I have no fucking time for you.

In dumping an arsehole ex I have finally learned exactly what I want and not to let anyone treat me like shit. That includes friends. I can’t say I enjoyed learning all this through my ex, but hey, it’s made me happy again. Best of all, I now believe what I used to try and convince myself about: I don’t need any man. I might want them, but I don’t need them. Yes, there is a difference.

It’s ironic really, but somehow my ex knew this before I did. He knew I didn’t need him last year, even when I said I did. He knew I was stronger than he would ever be and yes, he was scared of me. He told me that.

So there you have it. Why I’m pissed off and yet, after writing this, I suddenly feel as though all that has evaporated. Why bother with people or situations who don’t add positivity to your life?

Amen.

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