So how do you begin dating again after something like sexual assault or rape happens to you?
Geez man, I don’t know. I mean I have no fucking idea or advice really because I’m making it up as I go along.
A few weeks ago I told a female friend I needed to get back out there. The thing is, I know what I want, I know what I don’t want but I’m also dreadfully afraid of even giving someone a chance.
I will admit, although I do have a few Western male friends, until last year I had been exclusively dating Japanese guys. I didn’t plan it that way, it’s just how it happened. I mean I’m living in Japan where they’re the majority so chances are I’d be dating one of them too. Also, harsh but true, it seems a large percentage of single Western guys here are ones I wouldn’t date in my own country let alone in Japan. They are also tend to be the kind who wouldn’t date me because they want to taste Japanese pussy (crude but also true). As one of my very attractive Japanese female friends said, “They are low quality gaijin.”
Anyway my point is after hanging out all day on Sunday with a Western male friend of mine, I mentioned to him that I don’t really trust white guys at the moment. Let me just say he and I got together last year after I broke up with The Rapist (how I will be referring to him from now on) and again the other day and he has always treated me kindly and with the highest respect. His reply to my comment was a look and, “It has nothing to do with race or nationality.”
Logically I know this, but as a very sensitive and emotional person who sometimes uses her heart more than her head, I am still struggling with this concept.
He then said, “Your ex is just a cunt” (and not the good type: implied, but not actually said- Aussies and Kiwis will know and understand what I mean). He also knows my ex so I value his opinion.
I will confess I did shut down emotionally and physically on this poor guy the other day. I freaked out majorly. Now he knows what happened to me and he completely understands after suffering from a similar experience himself, but again he gave me that look and said, “I am NOT him!” I know he’s not and I would’ve been insulted if I were in his shoes too. This guy has never pressured me and I know he won’t. Afterwards he kept asking me if I was okay. I assured him I was but the next day was a different story.
I was sick all day and literally felt like I needed either a good spew or perhaps an exorcism.
This was the first time I’ve been with someone after last year and been 100% sober. Being drunk has meant I could forget how I really feel for awhile and just be with people I don’t really care about or have to open up to. That sounds terrible but it’s what I know I’ve been doing. I think maybe I was hoping that I could ‘undo,’ last year’s event by getting with someone else. That’s not what I did with this guy on Sunday but it was in his case last year. Then I realised he was a genuinely good guy.
I made the decision to stop drinking for my own mental and emotional health the other day but it also means I’m finally having to deal with all the demons I’ve been trying to push down inside me.
I’m doing pretty well I think and haven’t done anything that others wouldn’t do but I also know I’m very harsh on myself.
I have to give myself credit and just take it slow. I also have to let guys who want to date me know this and say please be gentle with me.
If they’re the right kind, they’ll understand. If they’re not, I will get rid of them quick smart.
I’m not the same person I was last year and I’m finally seeing that I need to let go of that idea because it’s keeping me back from enjoying the present and working towards a future.
So yeah, that’s my jumbled mass of thoughts and advice if you will.
One last thing: I’m also going to take it slow and be gentle on myself. If I don’t treat myself that way, how will I ever find someone to do the same?