I didn’t know that I would discover so many versions of it. I had always been looking to the external, the environment around me and yet, here I was.
Last night had been dark. Last night I had dived deep down and reached rock bottom and yet, I had survived. It had made me the most vulnerable that I had ever been and although it had terrified me, I hadn’t run away and looking back in retrospect, it wasn’t so bad.
My heart was normally so full of love and joy and that’s what I had expected to find. Sure, it was there, but I had also realised that I still cared for people who had wronged me to the point where they should never be forgiven. I knew I wouldn’t forget what they did and although I didn’t like them much as a person, I still believed that underneath all that was a person who was just misunderstood. That might seem naive but that’s how I felt. What I finally saw though, was that I couldn’t be their saviour. They needed to do that for themselves and as they didn’t think they had a problem, there wasn’t much point in trying to convince them otherwise. I wasn’t going to waste words.
My shoulder had been aching for days but in that moment where I’d made the split decision to just get out and go, the pain had all but faded away. I knew now that the pain was a memory and like all things would pass. How long had I been clinging to it? Too long obviously because it no longer served me.
I hadn’t set out with a plan to heal my wounded heart and since I didn’t have any expectations the result wasn’t good or bad, it just was.
The place no longer held anything for me and I felt as though I was almost walking on cursed ground. There was nothing for me there and no reason to go back.
You could never go back to what was and besides which, it had all been a delusion that my mind had created but my heart had tried to fight.
Enough was enough.