Not everyone knows I had an eating disorder. It wasn’t the type where I binged or threw up; it was the type where I exercised obsessively.
And let me just say eating disorders have nothing whatsoever to do with you thinking you are fat. They’re about controlling one thing in your life when the rest of it seems to be spiralling out of control.
I’d had it for well over a decade and had isolated myself physically and emotionally from any male contact. I thought that if I made myself ugly nobody would want me and therefore no one would leave me again. All along I thought I was the problem when really it was the men in my life with the issues. True, some of them I kept choosing but some were family and those ones I just could not escape from.
Thinking about it now, I can see that I still choose people or attract people who I want to help or fix. I think it’s my way of trying to undo all of the past when really I just need to let it be. And of course, I cannot possibly help someone else if they don’t see an issue with their behaviour. Now I just tell them and walk away.
Except for one. I just can’t seem to let him go or get rid of him. I think we might actually be stuck with one another. Why the fuck I have no idea.
But he needs to make the first move. I’ve put enough effort in.