251. How to:
Felicia had always wanted to write a ‘how to,’ book. The thing was, what was she going to explain how to do?
She’d started with a list of things she could do, but she soon realised that most of them were either A. useless skills that nobody cared about, or B. things that were bad that no one would WANT to do.
She looked down at her list.
- how to burp the ABC
- how to constantly attract emotionally unavailable or emotionally retarded men who were incapable of loving anyone but themselves
- how to play the recorder
- how to cook 2 minute noodles (she hoped that no one actually needed a guide for this. She also expected that the contents wouldn’t really fill a book. It would need to be ‘fleshed out,’ as her editor best friend liked to say.)
- how to lose your virginity before the age of 13
- how to arrange your underwear in color-code
- how to give blow jobs in public toilets to drunken dickheads who you managed to pick up on the dance floor
Yep, there was nothing on that list that constituted a book. In fact, most of the things Felicia wished she didn’t know how to do.
I wish I knew how to make people more aware of their emotions, she thought to herself. Like a certain someone… Her thoughts trailed off.
She sighed. If anyone knew how to do that and wrote a book, they’d be a very, very, very rich person.
Felicia didn’t know where to start.