247. In the Clouds:
I sometimes wondered if his head was permanently in the clouds. I would often ask a question and find that there was no response at all. If I didn’t know him I would suspect he was either mildly retarded or incredibly fucking rude. Turns out he was just lazy, didn’t like to answer questions and preferred to avoid conversations he wasn’t comfortable with. He simply chose to ignore them and hope they went away. I wasn’t sure if he knew that the more you tried to ignore or avoid something, the more it hung around and haunted you. I guess he’d work that out.
On the self-awareness evolutionary scale, I was far ahead of him and I couldn’t quite grasp how he couldn’t see things that were so blatantly obvious to me. Then again, I’d been in his position many years ago and been completely blind to what was right in front of me. I hoped that he would realize it before I got sick of his bullshit and told him I was leaving.
I knew I wouldn’t though. I would threaten and I would jump up and down and curse, but the truth was, if I was serious, I wouldn’t talk about it. I would just walk. I didn’t think of him as one of my ‘projects,’ like I’d thought of some men in the past. He had his issues and he needed to work them out for himself. I was done ‘fixing’ people. I’d been burned enough in the past year and had finally stopped blaming myself and realised that these people were the problem, not me.
Still, sometimes I did think it would be nice to be so naive as to just coast along in life and not realize what was going on around you. Maybe if I adopted that kind of attitude I would be more relaxed and not really care about anything. But I knew I just couldn’t do that. I couldn’t be and I didn’t want to be like Mr. Cloud Boy.