If I could change one thing about myself… (okay maybe a collection of things)

It wouldn’t be anything physical. I’m really not the kind of person who cares much about that. You either like me as I am or not at all.

I would, however, change the fact that sometimes I am too nice and too understanding and I apologize even when it’s not my fault because I hate conflict. I would also stop giving so many second, third, fourth, fifth… chances because I always get hurt and I find that I am constantly feeling disappointed. I make excuses for other people’s behavior and I blame myself a lot of the time when clearly anyone and everyone can see it is the other person. I’m not saying that I don’t have faults, but I’m well aware of mine and I will admit to stuff when I need to.

Yesterday I saw a guy I used to be involved with who was… to put it bluntly, a bit of a cunt to me. He was interested in me being white (He’s Japanese) and that was about it. He wanted sex with no strings attached and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want the same thing. Anyway, yesterday I saw him walking towards me and before I could put my head down and pretend I hadn’t seen him, he said hello. I wish that I could say I ignored him, but no, because I’m a nice person, I smiled and even waved.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!

Friends tell me this is why people like me, but sometimes it’s a super annoying thing to have to deal with. At the moment I’m in a situation where I really am feeling as though there is no point. I’m not someone who gives up. I’m not someone who runs away when things get difficult. But, I do think I’m putting in a lot of effort and I’m not feeling that I’m getting what I need or want in return. I’m tired of feeling insecure, I’m tired of feeling second best (because I’m not second best!) and I’m tired of having to beg for affection and attention. In the beginning I thought it was a fault with me. No, not at all. I’m human and I need human contact. I like being alone, but affection and love and touch is essential for every human and when one of those needs isn’t being met… you find it from another source. At the moment that other source are my friends and family who are the rocks in my life. I’d like to be able to rely on another ‘rock’ in my life… but I’m not sure they want or even need me…

 

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