I don’t believe in God, but thought it might be fun to write an interview between a young woman and God, if he/she/it actually existed.
(in the style of one of the many, many morning breakfast shows that are broadcast all over the world and include interviews with famous people… but never God- we got lucky and have the scoop!)
Woman: He’s been talked about for thousands of years and many claim to know him through reading his book, yet he still remains a mystery in many, many ways. We are lucky enough to have him here in the studio this morning. Let’s welcome God to our show!
(God enters wearing a plain, white robe tied with a simple cord around his waist and surprisingly doesn’t look anything like Santa Claus at all).
Woman: Good morning God! Welcome to the show.
God: It’s great to be here. Thanks for inviting me.
Woman: Now let’s get right to the point. You are a very famous and therefore difficult man to pin down. We feel very lucky to have been offered the very first television interview with the man himself, so tell us just how busy your life really is.
God: (laughs) Yeah, sometimes I have trouble keeping track of my schedule. I don’t have a secretary and my writing is kind of messy, so my diary isn’t the kind of thing that anyone else but myself can read. I think that most of my time is actually taken up by people who promise me that if I give them something they’ll change their ways.
Woman: And what do you say to these people?
God: I tell them that’s not how it works and that I already know they won’t change. The thing people have to understand is that they should change for themselves, not for anyone else and that also includes me.
Woman: Interesting. Now there’s always been speculation about whether you are actually male or female or more of an ‘it,’ but clearly we can see you’re a man. What do you think of all that?
God: Well yeah, I am definitely a man and as one woman put it, “Only a man would create such a complicated and fucked up reproductive system as we women have!” I apologize to women everywhere. I was a lot younger when I made my first human prototype and all I can say is that I did make mistakes. That’s just one of them. I fuck up, just like everyone else. I’m not who everybody thinks I am.
Woman: Wow! God swears?
God: (laughs) Absolutely! In a crazy world like this I sometimes find it’s the only way to maintain my sanity. Swearing allows me to express myself adequately and I figure that since I am God, there’s no one who’s going to punish me for saying what I think and indeed, using language that others might consider too coarse.
Woman: Ah that’s great! It kind of gives us humans hope and shows us that even God is someone we can relate to. Moving on, many people claim that you aren’t doing your job properly because you’re letting so many innocent people die in all the recent disasters, including man-made ones, in the world. What do you have to say to those people?
God: (sighs) Sometimes I think that people like to just blame someone else rather than take a good look at themselves. To be honest, most of the problems in the world are created by humans. Yes, I made humans, but I’m not in control of their lives like some people think. Humans are not puppets for me to manipulate. They need to take responsibility for their actions as they actually have free will. That was always something I wanted to maintain. Free will does exist. If only people could recognize that they are in control, not me… I think the world would be a better place.
Woman: Okay God, thank you so much for your time today. One final question: can you tell us something that is going to happen in the future so that we can be a little more prepared?
God: Have you not listened to a word I just said?! I do not have the power or indeed, even the desire, to control you humans. You have the power within yourselves. If you cannot recognize that, then I don’t know what else I can do to make you see it. I don’t know the future any more than you do. It is constantly changing because of decisions you make. Listen to your gut, make the decision that you feel is right and trust yourself. That’s all.
(at this point God gets up and walks out of the studio. Even he’s had enough).