It was true. She did have a great urge to go home and yes, she did have a great urge to write and write, but the greatest urge she had was one she was afraid to admit not only to herself but also to Frederick.
She wanted to be able to tell him that although he infuriated her sometimes, he also made her feel things she’d never felt before. She suddenly felt vulnerable and she craved the security she was currently lacking in her life. She was all for taking responsibility for her own actions and she had done so for many, many years by herself, but suddenly all of that had been turned upside down when Frederick had come along. She wasn’t so sure of her beliefs anymore and she knew that unless she changed, life wasn’t going to be any easier.
She felt stuck in this current life and knew that together they could create a new one, but she was afraid to open herself fully to him; to admit that she wanted him in her life more than anyone else she’d ever met. She wanted to ask him if he wanted the same things out of life that she did and if not, maybe they could work together to achieve both of their dreams. All she knew was that if she stayed, it wasn’t going to happen. She knew it wasn’t supposed to happen here.
Yes, her urge to do her own thing was definitely there, but more than that, she felt a longing to have him along for the journey.
The question was: did she wait and let things take their course or did she actually have to put it out there and tell him what she felt? She was fairly sure she already knew the answer to that.
Life was hard.