The worst sickness of all

Everybody thinks that love is the greatest sickness there is.

I disagree.

I think it’s being homesick.

Last week I was so excited because my mum had said she would pay for me to come back to visit Australia during summer vacation. This was a big offer because she doesn’t make a lot of money and at the moment, I’m in no position whatsoever to be able to go anywhere due to my own lack of funds. In fact, I feel stuck here. I’m barely surviving.

With that thought in mind, I started planning dates and things to do.

  • spend time with my cats.
  • go to my favorite park near the beach and count the ships on the horizon.
  • go to my favorite coffee shop and get their chocolate-tasting coffee.
  • visit my friend and her new baby.
  • sit on the back verandah and eat lunch.
  • do nothing.
  • read books from my childhood.
  • go for a drive to Ubobo in the country and look at the mountains.
  • take photos of the endless Australian blue skies.
  • sit in the sun and fall asleep.
  • watch Top Gear, ‘Vietnam Special,’ with my mum.
  • annoy my mum by leaving my shoes in the entrance so she can trip over them.

Yep, just normal stuff, nothing special at all.

Then I got an email to say sorry, I really can’t afford to bring you home. I understood. I understand.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

I don’t think I’ve slept properly in years. Not a deep sleep where I’ve been untroubled by any thought that wasn’t related to a lack of money or my job. Or men for that matter. I’m not complaining, just stating facts. Much of it is my own fault because I leave my phone on during the night and am bombarded with emails and texts that I stupidly answer instead of ignoring.

Anyway, this morning I made the mistake of listening to the Qantas ad that every Australian is familiar with. It’s a song that chokes me up, brings tears to my eyes and gives me a pain in my chest that can only be called a ‘heart clench.’ It completely overwhelms me, makes me totally emotional and gives me goosebumps.

Yes, THAT ad. Watch it here.

Sometimes you need to go away to truly appreciate where you are from originally. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about next year and where I want to go. I know I’m just making excuses when I consider going somewhere else in Asia. I’m not doing what I love doing, I’m still teaching and although I like my students, the job for me is not fulfilling and not challenging in the least.

I don’t know what’s going to happen next year (no one does), but I would like to know that I’m not alone in thinking about it and considering my next move. I know that I need to talk to people about this, but I don’t know how to bring it up at the moment and the whole idea is overwhelming and completely terrifying to me. My blog thank goodness is an outlet for all this emotion.

Wow, what a negative start to the week. Sorry for dampening everybody’s spirit.

I need a holiday. Have I mentioned that previously?

 

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2 thoughts on “The worst sickness of all

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