I could hardly be accused of not taking a risk in life. I was addicted to adventure sports and outdoor pursuits and growing up in the country I’d had my fair share of accidents.
Why then, was I so scared to take a risk on the one thing that I knew meant more to me than anything else had done in a long time?
That was the question I was not only asking myself, but the one that the most amazing woman in my life was also asking me. It was a fair question and deep down I knew the answer, but I needed some time.
She was right. I did overthink everything. I had always assumed that women did that more than men; not so.
She was amazing. She made me feel things I didn’t want to feel; uncomfortable things that I needed to face. She made me nervous, she made me grin like a fool with her wicked personality and most of all, she made me like her simply by being herself. She didn’t pretend to be anyone else.
More than that, I respected her. I hadn’t respected anyone in a long, long time. If it had been anyone else I would have, to put it bluntly, fucked them and forgotten about them in minutes of walking away. I couldn’t even bring myself to be with her intimately. Sure, we’d done everything else, but sex was no longer just sex. It was sharing a part of myself with someone I cared about, someone I respected and someone I…
I’d tried to push her away because I was scared, but she wouldn’t take it. She was so stubborn and I knew that no matter what I did, she would never give up on me. She was a keeper and she had completely undone me.
I knew we were both standing on the edge of something; the next phase in our relationship was here and she was ready to jump. I wanted more than anything to jump and I knew the only thing that was holding me back was what had happened in the past. She was different. I knew that. I had to convince that part of my mind that kept telling me I could get hurt and worst of all, I could hurt her, that I needed to take a chance. If I didn’t take it, I knew I’d regret it for the rest of my life and I knew that I’d be walking away from something that was once-in-a-lifetime.
As a control freak I suddenly wasn’t in control anymore. Her words echoed in my head, “You can’t control everything, Frederick, especially when it comes to love.”
Love. I was in love.