163. Set it Free:
This is based on an actual event. All I can say again is, “I’m sorry.” xxx ooo I promise I’ll give you that kiss next time.
I’m not entirely sure that pushing someone away isn’t the same thing as setting them free, but all I knew was that I’d pushed and set it free and now I wasn’t sure I was going to get it back.
It hurt like a knife in my chest; a physical ache under my left breast bone that made me question why I’d even done it. Was I that afraid of love? Was that my reaction to love? To push and push until the other person got pissed off and left me. Why would I do that to myself? More importantly, why would I do that to them? I needed to let go of that shit because it was fucked up and it wasn’t going to ensure that I had love in my life.
I’d acted like a spoiled little brat just because I hadn’t gotten what I wanted. I felt horrible. I had been horrible. My mother’s words: “You are a bitch. The poor guy obviously loves you and you can’t see it. By saying no he was respecting you, not rejecting you.”
Why couldn’t I have seen that? Was it too late now? Was he gone forever and never coming back? I could only wait. And waiting was the hardest thing to do.