I apologize if my writing has been a little ‘off’ or ‘disappointing’ the past few days. I can’t describe exactly how I’m feeling or even why I’m feeling this way, but needless to say, my writing has suffered.
I need to get this off my chest now.
On Monday night I got food poisoning. I had eaten at my favorite Japanese curry place and let me just say, I have no plans to go back there anytime soon. I woke up at 2am feeling very, very sick and it got worse from there. At one point I thought I was going to have to call my Japanese ‘mum’ to take me to the hospital. I thought I was dying. I managed to spew in every inch of my apartment and out the window onto somebody’s roof. It made a lovely sound as it hit it and I’m sure I scared the crap out of them. I lost count around the 14th time I vomited.
I woke up the next day and messaged my boss and coworkers to apologize for me not being able to come in. They were so understanding and their messages were so lovely that of course I spent the day crying at their kindness and feeling bad that I had let them and my students down.
The past few weeks I’ve been up and down emotionally and thinking back to this time last year, I remember my best friend saying that May is often the season for this type of thing. People are tired after going hard for weeks and are in need of a break. Yep, that could describe me.
I need a mental break.
Probably the biggest thing that I’ve been mulling over for weeks, okay, let’s be honest, since this time last year, was a move somewhere else.
Yep, when I went to Taiwan to visit my friend, Patrick, I realised that I hadn’t been out of the country for over a year. For someone like me who has a majorly restless spirit, I wondered if perhaps it had finally been tamed. Not that I believe it needs to be, nor do I believe that it should be, but I still had to wonder.
I was so glad to be back on familiar soil when I got home that for a time I was content.
Fast forward to this year when I found out my close friend, Yasuyuki was leaving for America. We’d been talking about my visa situation and I think it was then that I realised, yes, I’d be sad to leave, but it wasn’t the end of the world and maybe it was time for a new start and new adventures in a new place. He planted those seeds, I know.
So it seems that my subconscious has been considering this possibility and I’ve been pushing it aside. Life here is very, very, very comfortable. I have a great job, great friends, great support etc, but still, that restless feeling for adventure. I want a new challenge, I want to step out of my comfort zone and even though I guess I could do that here, I know I won’t.
Why? Because there’s no need. I can stay here and live in my little bubble without feeling uncomfortable.
I need to push myself and I know that I will do that in a new place because I HAVE to.
If I don’t have to do it here, then I won’t. Simple as that.
What I’m trying to say here is that I woke up the other morning and said, “That’s it Jack. It’s time to go.” And that was that. I’ve made my decision and I’m working towards that.
It’s given me a sense of purpose I haven’t had for awhile. I’ve felt stale, bored and lifeless. I’ve reached a point where I’ve been coasting along with no deviations.
I’m now working on learning a new language (and no, I’m not going to say what and where I want to go just yet!) and I’m saturating myself with books, articles and research into the country in question. I’m also asking friends who have travelled and lived there and even ones who live here but are originally from there. 🙂
I guess deep down I always knew that I would move on. That would explain my reluctance (no that’s not the right word…), or perhaps my lack of motivation to learn Japanese properly because I knew there was no point. I know myself pretty well and I knew that from the start.
The new language I’m learning has an easy alphabet, but the pronunciation is a little more difficult. I’ve surprised myself by how dedicated I actually am in learning in… I’m not going to analyze that thought right now. There could be a million reasons why.
Needless to say, I’m sleeping better, I’m feeling better and I’m content to stay at home and study, rather than going out drinking like I used to.
Yep. That’s just a few things that have been on my mind. I’ve been pretty angry too, but I don’t think I need or want to write about that here. I don’t want to put negative stuff out there in the world; there’s already enough and once I’ve gotten mad about it and let my frustration out, I’m all good. 🙂
I bet you’re all intrigued now and I have you thinking. Miriam, I can always sense your itching fingers ready to type a comment to me! 🙂