146. Clear and Transparent:
I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before. The red flags had been up for awhile, but perhaps I simply tried to ignore them. I guess deep-down I knew it was only ever going to be temporary, but I liked to convince myself, just once, that it would be otherwise. I had come and done what I needed to do here and it was time to leave.
But how do you just walk away from the people who have made the place special for over two years of your life? I know that might not seem long in the grand scheme of things, but to someone who went through more in that time than their entire life, it meant something.
I kept swinging between my two options, but I knew that I had already chosen. In fact, I’d chosen it some time ago, but I was simply deluding myself because life was comfortable, things were relatively good and it was easier to stay. I wasn’t challenged though and I felt stale and restless. I hadn’t felt like that in a long, long time.
A friend had planted the seed sometime ago when he told me he was moving on to another job. He’d been such a huge part of my life, even for such a short time and I wondered then if it was time for me to go too. But I’d stayed. I wished he was here now to talk about it, but he wasn’t. I needed to make this decision on my own. No matter how many people I spoke to, I knew and they knew, that I would always do what I wanted anyway.
I’d gone to bed the night before hoping that I could simply forget about it all and wake up with an answer. I didn’t think I’d sleep, but I had… for 8 hours straight. That didn’t happen very often. Maybe I was trying to force a decision that had already been made in my heart. Sometimes my mind was a little slow to catch up.
I’d woke up this morning and everything was suddenly clear and transparent. I knew what I had to do. I knew what I wanted to do. But it was scary. Life was going to change and I needed to as well.