But I found that lately, that just does not work at all. In fact, my entire life has been spent thinking with my head and trying desperately to ignore my heart and now… well… it seems I finally got what I always wanted: the ability to think with my heart.
And yet, the past few days I’ve been trying to revert to my old ways of thinking with my head because it’s easier, more logical and comfortable but it’s not satisfying and it creates more problems than if I just listened to the truth because I’m denying my feelings.
Let me explain my current situation.
April 1st my visa expires. I had been procrastinating going to the immigration office until the last minute because A. teaching isn’t what I want to do exclusively for life and B. the longer I didn’t go, the longer I could pretend there wasn’t a chance it wouldn’t be renewed (there’s a possibility my new job won’t be paying enough to satisfy the visa requirements).
Because of both those reasons, I’ve been hopelessly torn between my life of two years here in Hiroshima, or returning to Australia to a new city to start all over again. As a result, my emotions have been all over the place. It hasn’t helped that I’ve been hormonal either.
As I sit here today looking out over the skyline of Hiroshima from the food court on the 11th floor of the Asse Building, I’m writing a list of pros and cons; that’s the logical part of me still holding on.
I think the thing that really hit me was when I wrote, ‘family,’ in the Australia column and then without even realizing it, did the same for the Japan one. Truthfully, I DO have family here. I’ve been adopted as a daughter, older and younger sister and I have finally have all the little brothers I ever wanted.
I’ve had more highs and lows here in two years and I’ve learned more about myself and grown more than I did in an entire lifetime in Australia.
Perhaps what’s even more amazing or unbelievable is that I’ve managed to be satisfied/content to stay in one place with no wanderlust whatsoever. I guess that’s when you know you’ve found a home. Sure, the place is important, but home is where the heart is and your heart is where your family and friends are. Family aren’t always biological.
I had decided this weekend I wouldn’t overthink or worry about my visa and I haven’t.
My best friend told me last night that he feels I’m being pulled in the wrong direction if I choose to go back to Australia but he told me to take time out and listen to what’s in my heart.
After a good sleep and sitting here writing, I feel my mind is as clear as it’s been in days, maybe even months. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions with the end and beginning of an, at times, turbulent (but now good), relationship and I’m still processing that. I guess you could say that I’ve had information and sensory overload.
I just need to give myself time.
As I sit here watching the cars cross the many bridges of Hiroshima (Hiroshima is actually a collection of islands), I’m reminded of how many bridges I’ve crossed coming back to Japan and now living here in Hiroshima. I’m also reminded that bridges connect people and what I have here are true connections. They’re the type to hold onto, no matter what happens and I believe that connections are what make life worthwhile. I can’t just walk away from them.
So many things (some people might call them signs) are indicating that my time here is not coming to an end like I thought, but rather to a new beginning. If I left it would be like running away and giving up because I wasn’t sure of what the future held and wasn’t prepared to work and wait a little longer to get what I truly want. In reality, my idea of what I want to do may in fact be more viable here than in Australia.
Yesterday when I realised that I was actually considering leaving, I was suddenly struck with the thought: could I actually do that? Do I actually want to do that?
The answer: no, of course not.
I guess that means I’ve made my decision.
Now it’s up the immigration office and the Japanese Visa Gods.