I’m glad I don’t live in the time of Freud because I’m sure he would have me as his chief specimen. Let’s just say, I have a few problems, most of which, revolve around my Daddy Issues. I may be female, but I most definitely have the worst case of commitment-phobia ever seen to man.
My father left my mother when she announced she was pregnant with me, so I guess you could say I had major abandonment issues to begin with. Everything seemed to be going smoothly during my childhood until my best friend’s dad (and my chief father figure) had a stroke and died. Seemingly, I recovered after a few years but was shot down yet again in high school when my boyfriend at the time cheated on me with my best friend. WTF is all I can say? My boyfriend was older, so the only explanation I have is that she was also looking for some kind of father figure. I forgave her (friendship is far more important than some stupid guy), but not him.
I avoided relationships like the plague after that because I figured all the men in my life either died or left me anyway, so why not avoid the heartache by not having them in my life to begin with. This type of thinking served me well until I met Kevin.
Where to begin with Kevin? He was much, much older than me, handsome, powerful (he was the manager of a major company in my hometown) and he liked me; genuinely liked me. My friends didn’t think he was good enough for me, but I never listened to anything they said. Silly me.
In the beginning it was just fun for both of us, but something changed after that and suddenly, I was paralyzed with fear because I realised I was in love with him. He must have realised this at the same time because he began to put distance between us. His text messages became fewer and fewer and when I questioned him about liking me, he admitted it but used the excuse, “You’re scared of relationships, even you admitted that!”
He had a point. But then, I had also said that I was willing to try. He, however, was not. And that’s when I saw him for who he really was. An emotionally unavailable man with Mummy Issues (his mother had died in childbirth) who liked an emotionally unavailable woman with Daddy Issues. What had the potential to be a match made in heaven was anything but. Kind of like Communism; great in theory, but in reality, something that would clearly never work.
So the story goes on. I’m still scared of relationships to an extent, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to lock my heart away and not try again. Having Kevin in my life was the lowest point in my entire life, but the lessons needed to be learned and hopefully never to be repeated again.