As the end of 2015 draws near, I was feeling slightly melancholy about the whole thing. This year has been a rollercoaster ride (most of my own making) through worrying, feeling that I wasn’t enough without alcohol, being scared to trust and believe in myself, being angry with myself for some of the choices I made, not letting go of things that weren’t healthy or serving me anymore and not moving on with my life and what I really want to do.
It took an event the other night to put everything into perspective. Up until then I was always someone who felt they needed to get something off their chest and I would blurt it out to close friends given half a chance. That’s changed. I’ve changed. I learned more lessons the other night than I have the entire year and one of those is that sometimes it’s the best feeling in the world to have a secret that nobody else knows. It makes you smile crazily at nothing in particular (other than the thought of it) and hug yourself with the knowledge that only you know.
These are the other lessons I learned, in no particular order.
- I always thought I was someone who had it all together, was in control and who, although, didn’t always make the most intelligent choices, could be relied upon not to do anything ridiculously stupid (my friends and others were/are constantly telling me this… little do they know!) That kind of mentality is a high pressure one and the stress you put upon yourself to be perfect at all times is totally unrealistic. I’ve learned that I am capable of making choices that aren’t very wise and the positive thing that came out of all this is that I was faced with the fact that I am human; very, very human and yes, sometimes I fuck up. And that’s okay. I’m learning.
- I learned that sometimes what you think you want is very different from the reality of what you really, really want if you’re honest with yourself. I always thought I wanted a super handsome guy and for some utterly absurd reason, that I would always be trapped into choosing the asshole over the nice one because that’s what I usually do and perhaps, I thought I deserved. It’s now a thing of the past and I’m very happy about that.
- I’ve learned that sometimes you are so busy looking or perhaps being distracted by what you THINK you want, that you don’t see what you have right in front of you is the best. Gratitude and acceptance of things you deserve are two of the most important things I think.
- I learned that sometimes what you consider is the worst thing that could happen to you is, in reality, not half as bad as you’ve made it out to be in your mind.
- And the most important of all…. DRUM ROLL PLEASE… I’ve learned that you can travel the world, you can live in another country, you can meet people from all over and debate your differences with them, but ultimately, we are ALL human and we ALL have the same needs, wants, emotions, desires and fears. As humans we want others to love us for who we are (warts and all) and we want connections to those around us.
2015 has been a jam-packed year, but for all the downs, there have been many, many ups and I prefer to be positive about it. I am eternally grateful, even for the not-so-good times because I’ve learned valuable lessons and become a better person as a result. And… I learned to love and accept myself for me and that can only be a good thing.