I like to consider myself a ‘work-in-progress.’ That means hopefully I’m always trying to improve myself so that I can be the best possible version of ‘me.’ It’s funny how even though I know this, I still thought I had nearly fixed or at least faced, the majority of things I feared most in my 20s. Nope. After this morning, I guess not.
I managed to wake up in a good mood, but within the space of a few hours, convince myself I had failed yet again in trying to kick two, or possibly three, bad habits. I am my own worst critic and I kept asking myself: why do I keep going back to bad habits even though I know they no longer serve me? Am I insane? No. Just stressed.
When we are stressed we revert to old habits. It gives us a temporary feeling of being secure before we are dropped into the abyss that is self-loathing, failure and what I consider worst of all: disappointment. For me, disappointment in myself is far worse than being disappointed with another person. Why? Because I strongly believe a lot of the time, that I’m the only one I can truly rely on. I guess that says a lot about my trust, or lack thereof…
Anyway, after multiple emails to my mum and a panic attack that stopped me dead in my tracks walking out of Hiroshima Station during the morning rush hour, I finally managed to get a hold of myself when a friend emailed me. Her lifesaving words of logic confirmed what I already knew, but sometimes need reminding about.
The highlight of my day that made me crack-up was a reply from my mum that said, and I quote: You aren’t going to throw yourself off a cliff are you? Because your insurance in Australia ran out in September. Thanks Ma! 🙂 Ha ha.
Needless to say, I have no desire to do that and this morning was just a little hiccup. I dusted myself off, picked myself up again and tonight, I’m fine. I need to go easy on myself, realize I’m human and that I sometimes fuck up… actually I fuck up a lot, but that’s okay. Try, try again. Tomorrow is a brand new day.