This morning I made the very difficult decision to distance myself (yet again!) from a certain person in my life and this time I don’t know whether I will be able to go back.
Without going into details, I will say that this person is older than me and I had thought, as strong as me as far as our minds are concerned. I was wrong. I had equated his age with maturity and rather than feeling sad, I’m incredibly disappointed. He’s someone who waxes lyrical about not having expectations and I guess I failed in that respect and expected something more from him. I think I’m learning not to have expectations.
I feel that this person keeps coming into my life in order for me to learn a lesson, but I just cannot deal with the drama and stress it brings. The depth of my feelings for him scared the shit out of me and I will admit I did not deal with it very well at all. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol to try and forget is not the solution. In fact, years ago I would have been disgusted with myself for dealing with it in this manner.
I’ve been calling my poor mother everyday and sometimes more than once to try and get my head around the issue. She has never given me advice in my life as far as love goes but she said last night that he just doesn’t have the balls to be the person to stand next to me. I agree.
She went on to say that maybe that ‘ship had sailed’ and it was bad timing now. I disagree. I don’t believe there is ever a RIGHT time; you just have to make the decision and go for it. Unfortunately he puts stuff off that is uncomfortable or deals with any type of strong emotion. I refuse to do that anymore. I have acknowledged my feelings, he knows what I want and I’m not waiting any longer. I’m moving on.
I am so proud of myself for making such a difficult decision and the relief I felt having made it made me feel instantly better. I will admit there’s still a part of it that I can’t let go of just yet and that’s in the back of my mind, but it will get easier. I am ready for the next stage of my life with a new and wonderful person who will make me happy, rather than reducing me to tears on the floor of my apartment. I deserve better and I’ve finally realised that. Nice.