365 Prompt: November 19 2017

Rules change:

Rules change over time. We adjust them to suit ourselves and to justify other people’s behaviour. We know we shouldn’t do it, but we do. It’s easier sometimes.

But certain rules should never change once you establish them. If you set the rule for example that you will not settle for less because you are worth it, don’t change. It might take time but the right person will come along. I have absolute faith in that.

Even if he (or she) is late.

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And while we’re on the subject of gender…

I will never forget Introduction to Anthropology 1008 at The University of Queensland.

It was 2001 and I was a first year BA student learning that sex was biological, gender was a construct.

I’ve never forgotten the lecture we learned that in, or that fact.

It’s all so interesting.

When I shaved my head everyone loved it. They said, “Wow, you’re so brave!” or, “You’re even more beautiful!”

My first thought was: did you not think I could be beautiful with a shaved head? Or was it because I’m a woman you thought that?

Years ago I wouldn’t have done it. I was still so afraid of people expecting me to be a certain way and fitting in. I’ve learned that fitting in is often boring (you’re then stereotyped and labelled) and yet at the same time, being yourself is when you truly do fit in because people admire you and love you because of it, not in spite of it.

Being considered to be feminine or masculine is also a construction. It’s what society conditions us to feel.

Women should wear this, act like this or think like this. It’s the same for men.

Clothing is a huge part of gender construction and I will admit that when I wear more, ‘masculine,’ clothes (yes, I used that word for the purpose of my point, not because I believe in it!) I do act a different way. My whole demeanour changes. And I sometimes feel that I can get away with spreading my legs, being unladylike or swearing like a trooper more when I’m in those clothes. It’s liberating in a sense.

I’ve been told more than once that I often like unusual looking people. Of course! I like those who are beautiful in a unique way. I have no issue with saying I like someone or that someone is beautiful whether they are male or female.

I shocked someone the other day when I told them I usually like men, but I have had relationships with women. I don’t see any distinction between feelings. Love is love whoever it is.

Androgynous people aka gender-bending people are possibly the epitome of free. They can be whoever and whatever they choose to be. Maybe that’s why I love fashion so much. It can both enhance and eliminate gender.

As Rain Dove, the androgynous supermodel once said via her choice of t-shirt: “Gender is over if you want it.”

 

OMG, I have a new celebrity crush!

Oguri Shun, your reign is over.

I have a new celebrity crush who is everything a person I love should be: inspiring, brave, intelligent, a killer personality and most of all, authentic. For me to truly love someone, they need to be themselves, not change themselves into what society tells them to be.

Rain Dove is just the person.

Rain Dove is a New York androgynous supermodel taking on the world. She’s into gender-bending and is causing a stir because she isn’t afraid to be herself. She is breaking down barriers, labels and stereotypes and people love her because of it.

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Photo courtesy of Rain Dove’s personal Instagram account @raindovemodel

How refreshing to have someone who challenges everything we’ve ever been told or taught. 🙂

 

365 Prompt: November 18 2017

Her husband: 

Looking across the table from where she sat, she stared at the man as though he was a stranger.

She knew perfectly well that he was her husband, but after the bombshell he’d dropped, she wondered when she’d stopped knowing him.

“It’s a mid-life crisis,” her married friends had told her.

“He’s just a selfish arsehole!” her single friends had told her.

She suspected it was a bit of both.

How did you marry someone, compromise for them, support them through everything and then discover they didn’t love you anymore? Maybe had never loved you. At least, that’s what they’d said.

That had been nearly 20 years ago and since then she’d flourished in all areas of life. She had a job she enjoyed, interests that were hers and hers alone and a daughter that meant the world to her.

How different life would have been if he’d stayed.

She thanked her lucky stars (or perhaps God) every single day that he’d walked out.

You didn’t need garbage in your life and he’d taken out the trash when he’d gone.

Post Panic Attack

I rang my mum yesterday after I had my panic attack and she said she can totally understand why that happened.

She said she never thought I’d come back to Australia and that I’d live in Japan forever. I told her that yesterday someone asked me if my rapist ex wasn’t here, would I reconsider my decision. I said probably. She said, “He spoiled everything for you, didn’t he?” I said yep, he had, but that it wasn’t my main reason to leave. I don’t want him taking all the credit for the best decision I’ve ever made in my life!

The best part of the conversation though, was when she said, “I always hated Felix.” Mums know when someone is a crazy arsehole. We need to listen to them more.

🙂

Panic Attack

I’m currently sitting in Tully’s coffee shop near my apartment and reading.

Or I was, until a few minutes ago when I realised that I was having my first panic attack in ages.

Sure, I have PMS, but I’m also having a delayed reaction to my decision to leave Japan and move back to Australia.

I’m not reconsidering. I’m simply saying that I realised this has possibly been the hardest decision of my life to make. I don’t know why I didn’t see this earlier. I mean it’s taken me two years to make. Of course it hasn’t been easy and I’ll admit it, I’m fucking scared.

When did this place stop being my home and start feeling like it’s sucking me dry?

Today while I stood watching my students race around the park my heart was suddenly filled with such emotion: love. I haven’t felt that for a long time and it made me think, shit, what the fuck are you doing leaving?!

I know deep down I need to go but that doesn’t stop part of my brain from suddenly jumping up and down and saying, seriously, why don’t you just stay? It would be easier.

A coworker asked me today if FF (Fuckface, my rapist ex) didn’t live in the same city would I reconsider.

I said probably.

But then, as I said it’s not the main reason.

I know these are all normal reactions but still, they’re not nice.

I know if I don’t leave my life will never change for the better, but then, how many of us stay in shitty situations because it’s comfortable?

All I can say to myself is: Jade, remember last year and how he made you feel. It’s the same with Hiroshima.

365 Prompt: November 17 2017

Grass cuttings:

As I emptied the grass cuttings from the lawn mover I suddenly thought: what has my life come to? Here I am being domestic and I never wanted this.

You signed up for it though, my wife had once said.

Ex-wife now.

Yet here I was, still playing her game.

Would I ever be free of her? Probably not. She seemed to have her claws firmly in my skin still, yet she didn’t want me. She just liked to play with me, like a cat with a mouse.

I sighed and thought about the girl whose heart I had broken. She would never forgive me and what I had done to her was unspeakable. I had no excuse. I don’t know why I did it. I hated myself for it more than she could ever know. I wanted to tell her, I really did, but she refused to speak to me.

I was trapped. I hated my current situation and yet I was too scared to step out of my comfort zone and try again. I didn’t think I would ever love again and yet I had.

And you fucked it up, my ex-wife had said.

I’d told her about the girl. The woman, I corrected myself. The most interesting, mesmerising and wonderful woman I’d ever known and I’d let her get away.

I wondered if it was too late…