365 Prompt: June 26 2017

Back door: 

Everyone knew not to use our front door. It was for people we didn’t know or didn’t like; like the Jehovah’s Witness. 

Our garage door was the one used by most people and the familiar banging of the screen door as it rattled in its frame could tell us exactly who it was. By this I mean that the intensity and the duration of the knock allowed us to determine whether we wanted to answer it or not. 

Very few people came around to the back door. Only special people and long term friends knew that it was okay to do that. 

I guess in a way it was like anal sex. You didn’t let just anyone try. You needed to build up to that and have a trusting and long-term relationship. 

The funny things kids say

Okay, this post is long overdue. I’ve been working at my new job, an international kindergarten where all students are Japanese, for the past few months. During this time, I’ve learned a lot.

Firstly, I’ve discovered that kids are wonderful. I mean, I was the person who used to say I didn’t like them. That wasn’t technically true, but I wasn’t sure if I knew how to handle them. It turns out, neither do some parents. Sometimes I have to admit that the physical act of having a child does not make you a good mother (or father if we’re not talking physical). Truth be told, most parents have no idea what they’re doing when they first start out. There isn’t a manual on how to ‘operate’ a child and thus, most people just make it up as they go along. Life is similar; just a collection of trial and error moments.

Anyway, tangent aside, I realised that not only am I actually a natural with kids this age, but I relate to them in a way I never have with adults. They’re honest. Brutally so sometimes. Somewhere along the way kids are told to stop being like that.

“It’s rude to say that,” they’re told.

“You can’t say that,” they’re told.

“You shouldn’t feel that way,” they’re told.

Fuck adults, I say.

The second thing I’ve learned is that you are utterly exhausted after a day with them. I come home most days now and fall asleep on my floor before dinner, wake up, eat and then crawl into my futon which I’ve barely been able to set up.

Perhaps the best thing though is that I’ve learned kids are hilarious. I mean, laugh out loud kind of stuff. Hence, this post.

Here is a collection of anecdotes I’ve been compiling since I started.



  • Friday is Snack Day. The kids get a snack if they’ve done good work and have been well behaved that week. Like a reward. Anyway, the other day I sat them down and said, “Why do we get snacks?” One little boy looked at me like I’d asked the dumbest thing ever (he might be right) and replied, “Because it’s Friday?” That wasn’t the response I was looking for, but yeah, he had a point…


  • I wear my glasses all the time and the other day I stopped to take them off to rub my eye. One boy started yelling, “Put your glasses back on!” I did because I wanted to stop him from yelling but was surprised when he said, “You’re not Jade without them.” His response was exactly what I wished some adult men and women I know need to hear. I have been told by some stupid people, “Oh, you have such beautiful eyes! You shouldn’t wear your glasses.” And the best one (by a stupid woman AND family friend I might add!): “Men would be more attracted to you if you didn’t wear your glasses.” Since I’m a contrary shit, that just made me wear them more often. Plus, A. Why would I want to attract a man who was that superficial? And B. I wouldn’t be able to see him anyway without my glasses. J


  • Ah yes, swimming. That brings up a whole new topic of conversation with the kids. I was telling my mum the other day that I have now seen more penises than I need (or want) to see in my lifetime. Four-year-old boys are obsessed with theirs and as I told the manager of the school, it gets worse as they get older. Anyway, the first week one boy jumped in front and me and said in Japanese, “Jade, look at my chin-chin!” Chin-chin is a slang word for penis. The thing was though, he used the honorific term with ‘o’ in front of it. Thus, he was basically saying, “Look at my magnificent penis!” That alone made me laugh and so I had to explain not to refer to his own as magnificent but that it was perfectly acceptable to say it to someone else. I may have scarred this boy for life… Dear God.


  • Second swimming penis story… The next one involves a different boy who decided to jump in front of me totally naked whilst I was supervising them getting changed and yelling, “Jade, look at my penis!” At this point I was so sick of them saying it that my response was, “You know what? I don’t care. Every week I see it and every week you want to show me and every week it looks the same. I’m not impressed.” He gave me a very adult male look that said I’d clearly hurt his ego and then tucked it back into his swimmers and said, “Ah okay, fine.”


  • The next swimming story involves a boy and a girl. The kids were changing after swimming and I turned around to find one of the boy’s eyes literally a few centimetres away from one of the girl’s pubic region. I yelled at him, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” He stood up, puzzled look on his face and asked, “Jade, why don’t girls have chin-chins?” In the two seconds I searched for an answer I found myself saying, “Because they’re girls.” It satisfied him and he said, “Hmm, okay,” and wandered off to continue changing.


  • We have a song and dance activity during the week where all classes sing and dance together in a circle with the songs they’re learning that month. One of the songs involves the words, “Baby shark, mommy shark, daddy shark,” etc. The other day during play time in the morning one of the boys told me he was daddy shark. Another little girl piped up she was mommy shark. I said, “I’m baby shark.” The boy shook his head. “No, you’re not. You’re grandma shark.” Shut down.


  • The last story happened just last week when the weather was getting hotter and the kids needed their hat to go outside. He was walking out of the classroom to line up with the others when I called him back to get his hat. He said, “Jade, it’s partly cloudy today, I don’t need my hat.” WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN THAT LANGUAGE?! I thought to myself. Turns out he actually does listen and reads the weather chart we do each day. It was such an adult thing to say I had to laugh. And yes, I made him take his hat.

365 Prompt: June 25 2017


The glasses were purely decorative. She didn’t need them. She just liked them because they made her look, ‘bookish,’ boring and predictable. 

You’re a nerd, they’d said. You can’t hang with us if you’re a nerd. 

She smiled, biting down hard on her lip with wry amusement. 

Blood. She could taste blood. She’d bitten too hard. 

Oh how little you know, she sang under her breath. 

Your daddies are so easy; no challenge at all. Your brothers. Even your boyfriends. 

Everyone secretly wants a nerd, she thought to herself. Girls like that seem so innocent. 

It was always fun when men realised she had more experience than they would ever have. It made it more exciting somehow. 

And it was all about the thrill. No one wanted boring. They just liked the illusion. 

Shy, nerdy Lacey on the outside. Vixen and man eater on the inside. 

She sighed. 

But it was all getting so boring. She needed a challenge. 

Or maybe she just wanted someone to see her for who she really was. 

365 Prompt: June 24 2017


I could feel it rising. I had tried to control it but like everything that was suppressed, eventually it came back, more intense and bloodthirsty than ever. 

Lust. The unmistakable feeling of lust. 

I needed it. 

I knew what the profile said. Serial killer. Serial rapist. 

But I was no rapist. They came willingly. They knew exactly what was going to happen. Why else would they come? They wanted it. They were asking for it. 

Well not to be killed of course but the sex, yes. 

I wasn’t sure who my next victim was. I just knew I needed to find him soon. 

I was hungry. 

And a hungry woman needed to be fed. 

365 Prompt: June 23 2017

Lost time:  

The years I has spent in Japan could be summed up in three words: drinking, eating and sex. 

Not necessarily in that order.

Most people spend their twenties doing all that. I had spent it with an eating disorder which meant no alcohol, no junk food (or much of anything that I didn’t class as ‘good’ food) and absolutely zero contact with any man.

I had literally had all my Christmas’ come at once in Japan. I guess I had become the person I was supposed to be; an ordinary human who has needs and wants and the real me I had tried to keep suppressed. 

When I lamented my bad habits or moaned to my mum about my misadventures she simply told me I was making up for lost time. 

I knew now I had more than made up for it and to be honest, I just wanted my boring and predictable life back. 

I wanted security, with one man who loved me to pieces and who (to the shock and horror of my feminist self), would take care of me, protect me and love sex just as much as me. 

I was starting to think he didn’t exist. Or if he did, he was very, very, very late. 

The Daiso Diaries: Chapter 1


Happy Midsummer or Litha! If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read on. If you do know what I’m talking about, read on anyway… this is The Daiso Diaries. You know it’s going to be quality stuff. 😉

Wednesday 21, as in two days ago was the Summer Solstice. For all you hippies out there, you know this and most Japanese people know this too simply because they’re so into seasons. My Western counterparts, however, may not.

The Summer Solstice is the height of summer in that it’s the longest day (i.e. longest amount of sunlight) and the shortest night. Lots of Pagan festivals centre around this and our ancestors would have celebrated it, but for us living in the modern world, we’ve mostly forgotten.

Why am I talking about it here? Well, because like the rest of Japanese society that is obsessed with the seasons, Daiso too uses it to maximum advantage.

Thus, this week’s column and the first official chapter of The Daiso Diaries is about the great summer products now available.

Living and working in Japan you cannot help but be influenced by what’s going on around you. That means that sometime ago I started decorating my apartment for each season and special event on the calendar.

I picked up a great little summer decoration for my front door the other day that features a very summer pastime: catching goldfish or kingyo (金魚). At any matsuri (祭り) or festival you will find pools of water where you can scoop up your very own goldfish and take it home.


Daiso also has sensu (扇子) or foldable fans, hats and those crazy long arm protectors that many Japanese women are fanatical about.



Clothing and accessories aside there is also a great collection of fake sunflowers and the beautiful blue hydrangeas or ajisai (紫陽花) as they say in Japanese. Yes, in nature there are also pink ones, but these don’t seem to be as popular and aren’t featured as fake flowers to buy for summer from Daiso. For those gardening geeks (or just interested people), hydrangeas change colour based on the pH level of the soil. The more alkaline, the pinker they get. Therefore, to make them extra blue you need to increase the acidity of the soil. Wow, the things you learn from The Daiso Diaries. I can feel how impressed you are through your computer/smartphone.


Heading to the kitchen section I also found this great summer drinks glass. With its candy stripes and thick straw, it reminds me of summer days at the beach or festivals with icy, sticky drinks from my childhood. It’s a little difficult to see in the photo, but it actually says, ‘Country Fair Drinking Jar,’ on the glass. Exactly. At the moment, I’m using it to drink iced tea from, but I’m fairly sure I’ll be using it for something alcohol related in the next few weeks. 🙂 Oh, who am I kidding?! I’ve been using it for awhile now with alcohol. I feel it makes me a little classier than sipping chuuhai (チューハイ) from the can when I’m at home.


Oh and if you like smelling good all the time and are sweating like a pig in this summer humidity (and thus, not smelling as sweet as you usually do), then the scented body sheets are for you. Most are usually cool and refreshing, as well as being scented and so you end up feeling a little like your body just brushed its teeth and then drank water. Yep, that slightly stinging/burning sensation, but refreshingly icy, minty, cool and clean feel too. For just 100 yen (+ the obligatory 8% tax), that’s a bargain and much, much cheaper (and just as good, if not better) than some of the ones you can buy at places like Wants.


So there you have it… the essentials you can find at Daiso to keep you cool, calm and collected (and your apartment well decorated!) for summer.

Stay cool and I’ll back again next week.








365 Prompt: June 22 2017


He’d sustained an injury, that was for sure. But how did he explain that to his boss?

Oh I’m sorry I won’t be coming in to work today because I have a sex-related injury.

There was nothing, ‘sex-related,’ about it. It was absolutely from sex. 

That bitch had ridden him hard. He had fucked her in every square inch of her apartment and what was even more crazy was that when they had finished she had rolled over, looked him straight in the eye and said, “You need to leave.”

No thank you, that was fun. No hey, let’s do that again sometime. 


She had shut down emotionally like… 

Like a man, he told himself. 

And he hadn’t liked that one bit. 

He was supposed to be the one who did that. He was supposed to be the one who felt nothing and who rejected the clingy bitch. 

But she wasn’t like that. Not one bit. 

He wasn’t sure he liked it like that. He liked feeling needed. He wanted someone to want him. It stroked his ego and helped to dull the pain of his insecurities. 

No, not pain, he told himself. A feeling of uncomfortableness. 


As she stood under the shower letting the hot water run over her still highly sensitised body, she smiled to herself. 

I’ve got the power, she said in her mind. 

He didn’t stand a chance.